My oldest sister died August 8th at the age of 42. She left behind a husband and four children. Death came to her via he Cancer.
I’m told she gave a profession of faith in Christ before she died. Lord, I hope that is true. Her Memorial was Friday. I took the task of planning and organizing the event. Her husband just wasn’t up to the task. All through the planning I was a task driven man. I’m a Maintenance Planner. Planning comes natural. So I kept myself engrossed in the task at hand. Everyone kept asking me how I was. And the truth of the matter I was fine. A little sad, but I was ok.
I had the dubious honor of picking up my sisters ashes. It marks the second time in recent years the ashes of a relative ended up under my roof. I bought a nice wooden box because those white boxes they give you are just tacky.
Friday was frantic. The slideshow and program didn’t get finished until minutes before the ceremony.
Sitting at the memorial service listening to the Pastor talk about the role of death in life, looking at the slideshow that I had put together (with some help), and just having the time to reflect on why I was sitting there, on why I had dedicated myself to planning this event, it all finally hit me. My palms starting sweating, my face grew heavy. For two weeks I had been doing all I could to be supportive to my family and suddenly here I was just lost in emotion.
I could hear her daughter and son mourning.
The end of the ceremony was for family. I took the lead. I hadn’t had time to prepare anything so I just started talking. 30 seconds in I was barely able to stand. Grief for the first time seized hold of me and all I could do was cry.
That evening most of the family and a long time family friend ended up at my place. The friend was a bartender and the drinks were flowing. It really was a good time. But I had to ask the question, “ Why does it take the death of a loved one for us to get together?”
We live life oblivious to how fragile it is. We thrive on living on the edge of death. High risk sports are the rave. Living on the Edge. We assume our relatives will be there forever. We assume our siblings will grow old with us. We don’t think we’ll get to watch our Daughters or Sons die. We put off God till tomorrow. We put off our loved ones because we are busy living our lives. We hold our tongues because we don’t want to offend. We ignore all the uncomfortable moments because it’s so much easier not to step outside of our comfort zone. Why rock the boat? There will always be tomorrow. Right?
But the truth is any moment could be our last moment. God could choose to take any one of us at any time. We don’t know God’s plan for us. As the saying goes “the only certainties in life are Death and Taxes”. And Death is usually looked upon as the end. But it’s not the end. Death is the beginning. It is the beginning of our eternal life. And that life will take one of two forms; Glory and praise with God in Heaven; facing the wrath of God for all eternity.
As I watched cancer eat my sister alive, as I could smell the dead cancer and see the pain from which there was no escape, I couldn’t help but think of my own mortality. And it occurred to me, as horrible as it is to watch someone you love die of cancer, this moment of suffering is nothing compared to the eternal wrath of God. And I heard “Nobody deserves to die like that”. Really? How do we ‘deserve’ to die?
We ‘deserve’ the eternal wrath of God. However we die, it is far from what we deserve for rebelling against God. What we deserve is far worse than anything man can imagine.
Lord willing my sisters profession of faith was genuine and even though she lived a sin filled life (if you knew her you knew she had her fair share of evil deeds), she is now at peace. She is enjoying the eternal rest that only God can provide. By Grace we are Saved, through Faith, Faith which is also a gift from God, lest we boast, in Jesus Christ who was given by the Father as a perfect and Holy Sacrifice, the perfect becoming Sin for us, all to the Glory of God Alone.
If we chose to love God it is because he first chose us and loved us while we were still slaves to sin and haters of God. Everything I’ve learned in my short life about God has new meaning. I know I have much to learn, but I am much more aware of how Great God’s gift of Grace is. And even in this I know my understanding is far removed from the reality of the Greatness of God which is far beyond anyone’s understanding.
Yesterday was a hard day, but it is a day the Lord has made.
“Before I was born, you planned each day for me” ~ King David.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with Grace through Faith in Christ. I am grateful that with that Grace he has blessed me with Wisdom and Knowledge. I know as painful as this has been, that it is part of God’s good and Holy plan. There is peace in knowing that God is in control and that my sisters death wasn’t just an accident, but that she died because God decided it was her time to come home.
“O death, where is your sting” ~ Psalmist… Though it certainly has stung me, I know it is only because I am still among the living and I know it’s because as I continue in my short time here on earth it will be without the presence of my sister.
To everyone who volunteered and helped me in this time of grief, I thank you and hopefully will get to thank you in person. To my family, I pray that God will bless you all with his Grace and Love.
