Something there is that doesn’t love a wall
That sends the frozen ground swell under it
And spills the upper boulders in the sun
And I took the one less travelled, and that has made all the difference
And it pleased the Lord to bruise him!
Writing is my long forgotten passion. I think it was the Navy that gave me the passion. I guess when you are stuck on a ship for countless days you find ways to engage your mind.
Recently I’ve touched in conversations Politics, Religion, Finance, Debt, Marriage, Work, Unions; All great things to converse about. But I have been noticing that I am waning in my knowledge of much of the things I used to love to be knowledgeable about. I have all but given up sports. I barely have time to read about my own faith these days, yet alone the faith of others. Finance and debt while important, can be dull. Marriage, hmmm.. that always seems to be the egg shell topic. I often feel so out of touch with current events. It becomes hard to hold conversation. Mentally I’m still in the 90’s or at best the early 2000’s. Cars, oh cars, but who has the time or the money or the tools to indulge. My poor baby still sits parked collecting dust and rust.
Why have I abandoned my many passions? I guess I can sum it up on one word. Family! I am often amazed at how much being husband and a father takes out of me. I love my family. But I can honestly say I have never been so weary. I have become a slave to my job which I must do to support the before mentioned family. I think I enjoy my work, at least some times, but it just seems to never end. It’s like bailing water out of a holey ship. No matter how good you think you are doing, you are still sinking.
Alas I know I will be a slave to work the rest of my days, because my family needs me to be. And so, while I accept the responsibility I have taken on, I do find myself missing the freedom of being wreck less.
Wreck less? You Sean? Oh yes. I long for the opportunity to jump out of a perfectly good airplane; to travel down the interstate at 100+mph in a train of like minded drivers passing cars like they are sitting still; jump in a car and drive with no destination in mind and no care if you get nowhere; go swimming in the ocean at 2am slightly buzzed but just enjoying the crashing of the waves; swim out passed the buoy so the lifeguards can swim out after you to tell you how ‘dangerous’ it is to be so ‘far’ from shore; jump of an 80 foot bridge and wonder what you were thinking as you plummet towards the water and it knocks the wind out of you as you slam into it leaving you breathless 30 feet deep; the challenge of a rip current dragging you to sea as the waves slam you to the sand and relentlessly hold you down on the ocean floor; staying up all night in an airport talking to a stranger you just met because both of you have an early AM flight and don’t feel like sleeping; Tearing apart your car for fun not knowing if you can put it back together; Walk through the streets in the pouring rain oblivious to the cold wet cloths on your back cuz your having too much fun just playing in the rain; ooo football in the rain, sliding tackles, muddy cloths, hoping you don’t break any bones; a mosh pit with thousands of screaming madman pushing and shoving, crowd surfing knowing that the only thing keeping you from crashing into the concrete below are the hands of strangers;
The point is, for a good portion of my life I did what I wanted, when I wanted. And while I would not give up my wife and kids for anything, I do miss the adventure of the unknown. I miss the thrill of life with limited boundaries. Marriage builds great walls. Walls of responsibility; People who depend on you for their life, food, cloths, roof, ect. People who would suffer should you break a bone, lose a job or die. People you love and care for.
I think it’s the inactivity that really does me. I used to swim hours a day. Bike at least 10 miles a day. Walk everywhere. Play basketball, volley ball, kayaking, football, rollerblading, tennis, weightlifting, sparring, ect. It’s the wake up before sunrise and get home just before the sun sets, and not have time to enjoy the day that just grates on me.
Yesterday we spent the day at the park with friends. Water fights, Frisbee, kites, bikes, good food and watching the kids be kids. It was a good day. I think that is really what I need. I still haven’t figured out how to convert my desire to do ‘stuff’ into a family activity. It’s so easy when you are single. You just do it. But for some reason when you have to find something for 5 people to do it suddenly seems like an impossible task.
I’m slowly but surely getting better at it, but it just isn’t natural for me. I really have to work at it. I never came up with activities before. I just always ended up involved. But you can’t just show up on your friends’ door with a family of five (a single guy can get away with that). Getting out the door is a major event, yet alone actually doing something.
I guess yesterday has revived my restlessness. I have to figure this out. The great unknown awaits. We must find a way to explore it without breaking the bank.
Music, that my other lost love. No radio in my jeep, and no radio at work. Listening to the radio at home is an event, though not a relaxing one. I need my Metallica, U2, White Zombie, Jim Crow, Doors, Janis Joplin, Pink Floyd, 80’s rock, and all things not post 1995. Again, I just need to acquire the tools to make music a part of my life again.
Back to yesterday, it has been so long since I’ve been extremely active that today has been miserable. It seems yesterday I had a full body work out. Today I had a one of those coughing fits you get when you forget which tube the food goes down and my sides hurt so bad with ever cough as the muscles screamed at me in agony. My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my a@# hurts. It is a good pain, but pain nonetheless. Makes me want to go out and do it again.
So now that I’ve rambled on about nothing and wasted a precious ten minutes of your life you will never get back again, I will be off to bed..
