Two years of silence. Where have I been? Where is my voice?
I wander out to my driveway to find my son napping in the bed of a pickup truck with his girlfriend sitting next to him writing in a journal. I’m talking pen and paper. I felt like I’d stepped back in time. This quaint encounter with a forgotten pastime led to a conversation which reminded me of my days of journaling, letter writing and blogging (none of which I do much of anymore; okay I don’t do it at all anymore). So here I am engaging in the dumping of the chaotic thoughts of my mind onto a media of letters and words that hopefully will make sense to some and possible even engage others. But really I’m hoping to revive in myself the therapeutic pastime of expression.
We are living in the time of COVID 19 hysteria; A ghost virus that has created worldwide fear and panic resulting in the greatest government suppression of freedom of my lifetime. A time preceded by the United States Congressional House of Representatives impeaching the President of the United States for only the third time in United States history. All of this at the beginning of an election year, which certainly has been an unimaginable spin on this election cycle.
We have in the office of President a man, who could be argued, has been the most divisive President of the last 50 years. We have seen the stock market reach record highs only to collapse to levels not seen in three years. And then bounce back up to a happy medium like a rubber ball (still waiting to see how long this bounce lasts). Unemployment going from a record low to very likely the highest level on record.
We live in a time of social media where clips, sound bites, memes and the latest ‘trends’ define who you are. A time when going viral can make or brake a politician, entertainer, businessman or individual. A time when the media, just to keep up with the social media, sensationalizes every inkling of impropriety, proof be damned.
I say this because you would think with all the truly unique things occurring right before my eyes I would have endless things to write about. But I don’t. Sometimes I think it’s because so much noise has been injected into the conversation that it’s just tediousness to try to mill out a real topic to think about. So much has already been said about everything, I’m not sure I have anything to add. And if I do, where to begin. I could go the “Chunk” route (Goonies people) which could be entertaining but also very long and drawn out.
I’ve been a homeowner for 5 years now and a resident of Michigan almost 6 years. It’s been a strange mix of isolation, boredom, insanity, new unimaginable endeavors, and just watching my family grow. My oldest is now 20. A young man doing far better for himself than I was at his age. My middle child is now a teenager and my youngest, well she thinks she’s a teenager.
Life seems to have become less of an adventure and more of a sustainment. Holding the status quo to ensure my family can grow and excel in life. So what is this new, simpler, seemingly mundane life I now lead?
I’d say for the last six years survival at a base level has been the goal. I’ll admit debt has been a big part of the crippling of advancement. I’m happy to say that I’m finally close to being rid of all but a mortgage. Scripture speaks of debt as slavery. But our society thrives on debt, promotes debt, embraces debt as the only way of life. And in the middle of COVID 19 crisis our nation, to emphasize my point, is issuing trillions of dollars in stimulus money (that doesn’t actually exist) created out of thin air. Debt is the national God. And I have (at least in this case) been following the wrong god.
Amidst financial stagnation we managed to help plant a church. That journey began 4 and a half years ago as a simple bible study. Today, by the Grace of God, we are a thriving church able to sustain itself even amidst social isolation, remote worship via technology and mass uncertainty. Why would I plant a church? Why have I dedicated almost 5 years of my life to this venture? I don’t know. It’s been the most draining, yet amazing journey I never could have imagined. And even now, when we can’t physically meet, I’m blown away by this group of strangers who have come together to love, fellowship and care for each other, all in the name of the Grace of Christ our Lord. How did this start in my living room? And why is it succeeding?
BUT GOD….
(maybe I'll expand thoughts on our Church plant another day)
One thing that is still missing in this Midwest dream is the solidarity of unconditional friendship. Not that I don’t have friends here, but there is something to be said about the friends of one’s youth. Friendships forged in countless hours, if not years of time spent together. It’s much harder as a mid 40’s adult with a full time job, wife and kids to dedicate the quality time required to forge those types of friendships. I will say I miss dearly those forged friends whom I do have. One of those friends recently moved much closer (only 3 hours away) but it seems that even a stones-throw away is a daunting chasm when the responsibilities of life bog you down. It’s not that it’s a necessity of life, but rather that it’s nice to have the support such a hardened and raw friendship provides.
So in this time of great unknown; great uncertainty for all the world, I think what I’m seeking is the foundations that have held me up so many times before. The solid rock of Scripture and the infinite wisdom that flows from its pages. The long-suffering and commiserating of forged friends who will share and listen without judgement (because they already know the deep dark secrets of who I am and have helped me ford the quagmires of my past). The solidarity of the family God has blessed me with as we shine brightly carrying each other through the day.
Do I have opinions on Trump, impeachment, the virus, the lock-down, the government, church and state, social distancing, essential vs non-essential workers, killer hornets, and countless other things occurring right now? Absolutely. But it seems right now none of it really matters to me. I’m content to just be an observer. Yeah, the vigorous bullheaded opinionated debater is still there. I feel him dwelling inside me, but he’s just not motivated by this noise.
And in this time where every word is taken out of context, I’m reluctant to give half-hearted analysis. Which may be a truer measure of why I’m mostly silent these days. Even the most basic of concepts requires senior college thesis level of validation. Who has the time or energy for that nonsense? Especially since I’ve long forgotten the proofs for much of the truths I’ve solidified over my life.
It is interesting to sit and watch and see how others engage the chaos. This year has been one great social experiment after another. You couldn’t have asked for a better measure of humanity, human emotion, human fear, human reflex, human response, human compassion, human endurance and many other human factors all rolled into one.
And politically it will be interesting to see if my political instincts hold true in the middle of all this noise. And old friend of mine recently called me the ‘political prophet’ while asking me my opinion of how the 2020 election cycle will pan out. Well sir, time will tell if my forecast will continue to hold true.
“But I’ve said nothing so far… and I can keep it up as long as it takes…” I just re-read this and I really have said nothing. Welcome to the ‘wack-a-mole’ version of my brain. The reality is I’m on the verge of at least a dozen focused thoughts but none of them seem to be winning the day so you are stuck with this chaos. Just imagine what this all looks like to me in the chaotic banks (thank you Sting) of my mind.
I will say this, in this time of chaos, fear, rage, desperation and overall despair, I am none of those things. God is good. He is in control. And the world that everyone is emotionally twisted by, really has little to no impact in the grand scheme of things. What are you afraid of? Why do the nations rage? What is driving your despair? I am amazingly at peace in the knowledge of God’s providence.
And there is really nothing new under the sun. The world has been on the verge of destruction my entire life it seems (or so one would think). To quote one of my favorite ballads from 1964, “You don’t believe, we’re on the eve of destruction”. Well Mr McGuire, half a century later we are still here and kicking.
We will get through this time of uncertainty. But will your friendships? Will you family relationships? Will your job? Your church? Your faith? What is your passion irreparably damaging? What is this time changing in you? What is truly important you?
“May the Grace of our Lord be with you. Now and always may you stay blameless till He comes” The lyrics that pop in my brain out of left field. Not sure I agree with the second part of those lyrics, but certainly I pray the Lord’s Grace to shine upon you. Because in the end, it's not about you or me. It’s about Grace Alone through Faith Alone in Christ Alone to the Glory of God Alone. It’s that free gift of Faith in a loving God who sent His Son to give everything for us while we still hated Him, while we were still sinners in rebellion.
And maybe this is why I have nothing else to say. Because I’m grounded hard in the truth that what really matters isn’t Trump, Covid19, debt, war, unemployment, death, or whatever else has your emotions tied up in knots; what matters is Christ Crucified for guilty and polluted sinners. And while I don’t feel like preaching a sermon, I don’t feel like anything else is worth the time or effort right now. In the words of Solomon “Vanity, Vanity all is vanity, a chasing after the wind”
And yes life feels stagnant and even oppressive, but this too shall pass. So why do I have nothing to say? It seems because God is good and in control and thus I don’t rage, fear, or worry about the things of today; Emotions that in the past would have spurred my writing. Praise be to God for Peace in times of chaos.
**ask me again tomorrow and my answer might have changed, but for tonight this will do
