So, the upside to being your own boss is you end up with lots of time to think. The downside to being your own boss is you end up with lots of time to think. It was the best of times… it was the worst of times….
Historically I’ve hashed through politics and religion. But it seems of late I spend more time hashing through my kids, their pending adult lives, my wife, our pending life with 3 adult children (not there yet, but close), business or lack thereof.
Which sounds normal, I spent so much of my life focused on survival and the here and now, that it sees odd to me to be worrying about the future. Not that the here and now still doesn’t have its troubles, but it seems that life has reached a point where the ship is sailing generally in the direction of choice.
My youngest kids are now both teenagers of driving age. They are thinking about their future as adults, trying to understand the world we are giving them. My oldest has been married for almost 3 years now. And my wife is about to turn 50.
Where does the time go? It occurred to me recently that right now I’m the age my father was the day I joined the Navy. I remember the things he told me as I was signing my life away. I trusted his counsel then and here I am now the same age. Do I understand the things he told me from a father’s perspective now? Am I as wise as he was? Would I give my kids the same advice? Am I prepared to see one of my children commit six years of their life to anything?
I don’t know.
Aren’t I still that young 20 something guy just trying to stay afloat? No, I am the guy who has run industrial maintenance departments for 2 decades and is know running his own business.
Aren’t I the guy lost in religious chaos just looking for truth and real meaning? No, I’m the guy that planted a church knowing exactly what he was looking for in his faith and religion.
Aren’t I the guy looking to find a pretty lady and marry her? Have some kids and raise a family? No, I’m the guy with an adult married son, a 17 year old young man on his way out the door and a 15 year old daughter not far behind. Because I did marry that pretty lady and she has spent 20 years raising my children.
Interestingly enough I’ve become the counselor. People of all ages and walks of life often seek me out regarding business or life or religion or marriage or personal struggles that they belief I can provide meaningful guidance in. I can’t say for sure exactly when I shifted from the young buck struggling in need of direction to the middle age ‘wise’ man but apparently that is the state of things.
I also can’t say I understand why exactly people think I have this thing called wisdom. Sometimes you just have to trust the reflection people give you of yourself. And apparently my counsel has been found to be useful on at least a few occasions. Because people keep sending new people my way. So much for being a wallflower.
Lots of time to think means lots of self-reflection. How did I get here? Where am I going? What is important to me?
That last one is actually intriguing. I’ve found that there isn’t much I’m passionate about in regards to myself. Certainly my kids and wife and their needs, but outside that, I’m finding I am rather simple.
For instance yesterday I spent a few hours in my backyard with my chainsaw cutting up fallen trees. I couldn’t have been happier. Not a care in the world outside of making sure I don’t lose a limb. If you had told me that something as simple and mundane as cutting wood would be joyful and fulfilling to me, I would have laughed. I don’t like simple and mundane. But somehow God has given me this one thing that satiates me.
Someday my kids will all be grown (not long now). I do wonder what will be the focus of my life then? What will be my priorities then? I feel like I’m entering a new season of life. One which I’m not familiar yet. This current season has been a long one. This new season is upon me.
It reminds me of my first year in Michigan, having moved from LA, we were woefully unprepared for this thing called winter. It was miserable and jarring and chaotic. I hope I’m better prepared for this next season than I was for my first Michigan winter.
What worries me more is are my kids ready for this next season. Their venture into adulthood. My oldest seems to be holding his own.
So, I guess I really am the middle aged semi-wise man. Not sure how I got here. Don’t know where I’m going next. But here I am.
