Something there is that doesn’t love a wall
That sends the frozen ground swell under it
And spills the upper boulders in the sun
You could say elves
But it’s not elves exactly
I’m in the mood to write but don’t seem to have a
focus. It’s been so longs since I’ve just
let my thoughts flow. So much I could
cover. I’m in a new state, I’m a
homeowner, my teenager is about to turn 16 and be able to drive on his
own. Life is ever changing.
I’ve been in a sort of limbo ever since I got here. Still not sure why God has brought me
here. Nothing seems normal to me. There is a loneliness to living in a new
place. I feel like an outsider. Not that I can’t get along, but that I just
don’t fit here.
Every day I get by, and everyday seems like the last. I moving forward but have no idea where I’m
going.
Work: Work is great, but at the same time I miss the
familiar. Spend six years in one place
doing one job and you get comfortable. I’m
adapting and getting better at my new job, but it still doesn’t feel comfortable
yet. It’s like a new pair of shoes; it
takes time to break it in. I know
eventually it will feel like a part of me, but I’ve been here over a year and
still not broken in yet.
A certain man jumped through hoops to bring me half way
across the country because he believed in me.
Every day I question if I’m meeting his expectations. Am I really as valuable as he thinks? Am I accomplishing the tasks he put so much
effort into bringing me here to accomplish?
I don’t know the answer to that question. I just know I must succeed.
Home: 198 days, 12 hours, 36 minutes and 30 seconds ago I
became a homeowner for the first time.
Yes I’m counting. I always
thought I’d be a homeowner much sooner.
It’s how I was raised. But here I
am, middle aged and just now buying my first home. I’m thrilled and very happy with what God has
blessed me with. At the same time, there
is so much I seem not to know. And being
a homeowner in Michigan has very different challenges than being a homeowner in
California. They have this thing called
Winter here. It’s quite the experience that
you must prepare for. For instance I
spent a great deal of today learning about humidifier’s and why we need them
when it’s cold and how to maintain them.
Marriage: Moving has an impact on marriage. Patty and I are having to learn how to live
in our new world. New home; new car; new
church; new state; new neighbors; new home; new friends; new new new new new…. Much like the work experience, we don’t seem
to fit in yet. We will get by but I’ve
found the feeling of displacement does take a toll on marriage. When you are constantly existing outside of
your comfort zone, there is no time to recharge. And it is that lack of recharge, that lack of
a comfortable escape, which leaves you less than fully prepared to be a good
spouse.
Wife: My wife is struggling but adapting. She’s taken to driving and Monday school and
found friends. The big city girl is
learning to be a small town woman. And
our new home definitely requires a full time person to just keep up with
it. The kids have a knack for being
little tornados. And most of the time
she’s on her own. I work long hours so
she manages the house, the kids, and life all the day long mostly by
herself.
Kids: I’m beyond proud of my teenager. He’s working , he bought his first vehicle
and soon will have his permit to drive alone.
At the same time he’s become a recluse since moving here. He’s not adapting well socially, but he’s
stepped up his game on the responsibility front. He’s moved great strides forward in one
regard and taken steps back in another.
I guess it’s just part of growing up and adapting.
My little ones are thriving.
Though they spent so many years limited in their outside experience,
that the still don’t venture out as much as I’d like. I mean they have 3.4 acres of world to
explore, yet so far they are content to stay in the basement and maybe play in
the driveway. Granted the basement is
bigger than the apartment me we lived in for 8 years, but still. The two of them are linked at the hip. Sometimes I wonder how long this sibling
unity will last. At some point I’m
certain they will part ways but for now they are very much one.
Me: How am I doing? I’m
one who has always sought out the company of others. I just enjoy people. Yet here I’m not finding much
companionship. My neighbor and I
actually get along well. He and his wife
just had their second child.
But when you’ve spent years developing friendships, you miss
those friendships. And that makes it
lonely. Not that I’m alone per se, but
just don’t have the connections that I would like to close the interpersonal
gaps. But you have your wonderful wife,
you say. Very true. I love my wife. But I really am a social person. I’m very accustomed to having alternative
personal links.
Yet I’m perfectly capable of moving forward each day. Just getting done what needs to be done. My family needs me to be a husband and a
provider and that is what I am first and foremost. Not very glamorous, but very necessary.
Overall, I’m doing well.
My family is provided for. We
have a home. We have food. And we have each other. God is good, I just need to be more
appreciative of the blessing God has given me, rather than focusing on the
changes that I’m still adjusting to. God
is blessing me beyond my imagination, while I cling to the past. I need to embrace this. Easy to say, but I’m still struggling to do
it.
And with that I’ll end this ramble. And that’s really all this was. Just letting my mind flow. I should do this more. It’s very therapeutic.
