Rambling

Something there is that doesn’t love a wall

That sends the frozen ground swell under it

And spills the upper boulders in the sun

You could say elves

But it’s not elves exactly

I’m in the mood to write but don’t seem to have a focus.  It’s been so longs since I’ve just let my thoughts flow.  So much I could cover.  I’m in a new state, I’m a homeowner, my teenager is about to turn 16 and be able to drive on his own.  Life is ever changing.

I’ve been in a sort of limbo ever since I got here.  Still not sure why God has brought me here.  Nothing seems normal to me.  There is a loneliness to living in a new place.  I feel like an outsider.  Not that I can’t get along, but that I just don’t fit here. 

Every day I get by, and everyday seems like the last.  I moving forward but have no idea where I’m going. 

Work: Work is great, but at the same time I miss the familiar.  Spend six years in one place doing one job and you get comfortable.  I’m adapting and getting better at my new job, but it still doesn’t feel comfortable yet.  It’s like a new pair of shoes; it takes time to break it in.  I know eventually it will feel like a part of me, but I’ve been here over a year and still not broken in yet. 

A certain man jumped through hoops to bring me half way across the country because he believed in me.  Every day I question if I’m meeting his expectations.  Am I really as valuable as he thinks?  Am I accomplishing the tasks he put so much effort into bringing me here to accomplish?  I don’t know the answer to that question.  I just know I must succeed. 

Home: 198 days, 12 hours, 36 minutes and 30 seconds ago I became a homeowner for the first time.  

Yes I’m counting.  I always thought I’d be a homeowner much sooner.  It’s how I was raised.  But here I am, middle aged and just now buying my first home.  I’m thrilled and very happy with what God has blessed me with.  At the same time, there is so much I seem not to know.  And being a homeowner in Michigan has very different challenges than being a homeowner in California.  They have this thing called Winter here.  It’s quite the experience that you must prepare for.  For instance I spent a great deal of today learning about humidifier’s and why we need them when it’s cold and how to maintain them. 

Marriage: Moving has an impact on marriage.  Patty and I are having to learn how to live in our new world.  New home; new car; new church; new state; new neighbors; new home; new friends; new new new new new….  Much like the work experience, we don’t seem to fit in yet.  We will get by but I’ve found the feeling of displacement does take a toll on marriage.  When you are constantly existing outside of your comfort zone, there is no time to recharge.  And it is that lack of recharge, that lack of a comfortable escape, which leaves you less than fully prepared to be a good spouse. 

Wife: My wife is struggling but adapting.  She’s taken to driving and Monday school and found friends.  The big city girl is learning to be a small town woman.  And our new home definitely requires a full time person to just keep up with it.  The kids have a knack for being little tornados.  And most of the time she’s on her own.  I work long hours so she manages the house, the kids, and life all the day long mostly by herself. 

Kids: I’m beyond proud of my teenager.  He’s working , he bought his first vehicle and soon will have his permit to drive alone.  At the same time he’s become a recluse since moving here.  He’s not adapting well socially, but he’s stepped up his game on the responsibility front.  He’s moved great strides forward in one regard and taken steps back in another.  I guess it’s just part of growing up and adapting. 

My little ones are thriving.  Though they spent so many years limited in their outside experience, that the still don’t venture out as much as I’d like.  I mean they have 3.4 acres of world to explore, yet so far they are content to stay in the basement and maybe play in the driveway.  Granted the basement is bigger than the apartment me we lived in for 8 years, but still.  The two of them are linked at the hip.  Sometimes I wonder how long this sibling unity will last.  At some point I’m certain they will part ways but for now they are very much one. 

Me: How am I doing?  I’m one who has always sought out the company of others.  I just enjoy people.  Yet here I’m not finding much companionship.  My neighbor and I actually get along well.  He and his wife just had their second child. 

But when you’ve spent years developing friendships, you miss those friendships.  And that makes it lonely.  Not that I’m alone per se, but just don’t have the connections that I would like to close the interpersonal gaps.  But you have your wonderful wife, you say.  Very true.  I love my wife.  But I really am a social person.  I’m very accustomed to having alternative personal links. 

Yet I’m perfectly capable of moving forward each day.  Just getting done what needs to be done.  My family needs me to be a husband and a provider and that is what I am first and foremost.  Not very glamorous, but very necessary. 

Overall, I’m doing well.  My family is provided for.  We have a home.  We have food.  And we have each other.  God is good, I just need to be more appreciative of the blessing God has given me, rather than focusing on the changes that I’m still adjusting to.  God is blessing me beyond my imagination, while I cling to the past.  I need to embrace this.  Easy to say, but I’m still struggling to do it. 

And with that I’ll end this ramble.  And that’s really all this was.  Just letting my mind flow.  I should do this more.  It’s very therapeutic.  

The O'Brien Family own a home!

Growing up owning a home was always a goal for me.  It wasn’t an investment goal (as many consider it) but just a basic life expectation for me.  Not that I haven’t considered investment property, I have and still am considering it, but I’ve always believed you should own the place you live in.  Not in the ‘American Dream’ sense, but rather in the personal responsibility sense.  We humans tend to care more for things that we own.  It’s easy to be negligent or uncaring about someone else’s property. 

My grandfather did both.  He owned his home and 6 others, all bought in cash.  Even though he died when I was very young, the knowledge of his life story has always stuck with me.  An Irish Immigrant who came with little and worked hard, to make a good life for himself and his family. 

My dad always owned the home we lived in.  My mother never did (they were divorced).  I got to see the stark contrast between the life of a homeowner and the life of a renter.  By and large, the life of the homeowner was what I wanted. 

I’ve read much about homeownership over the years.  There is plenty of literature out there.  Not everyone thinks owning a home is a good idea.  Moreover, there are very good reasons to not own a home.  I’ll not dig into the argument for or against homeownership at this time

But if you are not in it for the ‘investment’ and truly just want a place to ‘call home’, I still believe it’s the right choice. 

So why did it take me 20 years after leaving my parents home to buy a home?  The short answer is economics.  However, that’s not the whole story.  From age 20-26 I was in the Navy.  A single grunt in the Navy really isn’t in the economic position to buy a home.  And even if I was in an economically sound position, what’s the point when I was moving or at sea a significant portion of my life?  From my limited viewpoint, the opportunity just wasn’t there in that environment.  In retrospect, I probably could have made it work.

I actually expected to buy a home shortly after leaving the Navy.  The housing market in 2003 was about the same as it had been in 1997 when I joined the Navy.  2003 was a year of transition. I figured I had plenty of time to get settled.  By 2004, the housing bubble had begun to grow and prices soared. I had missed the window.

My life turned to a business and then marriage.  The two quickly consumed any money I had.  The business failed and the marriage continued.  It took me a while to recover from the business.  All the while the housing market bubble continued to grow.  Even if I wasn’t recovering from my failed business venture, the market was far beyond my reach. 

The bubble burst in 2008 but somehow the LA housing market managed to retain a significant portion of its inflated value.  The notion of taking on at a minimum, $300k of debt for a shack of house just didn’t appeal to me.  A decent home in LA is still $500k+.  So we watched the clock tick and the years go by.  And resolved to accept that homeownership would not be possible as long as we stayed in California.  So, the question became, how to “Escape from LA”?  Kurt Russell wasn’t going to be much help this time. 

We looked at candidate locations.  Washington State, Colorado, Arizona, Virginia, Tennessee, even Utah.  I must say Michigan, wasn’t even on the list of possibility.  I had suffered through one great lakes winter in Boot Camp and had no desire to ever live this far north in the Midwest ever. 

But God has plans, and He crushed every opportunity that I thought was where I wanted to be.  He then opened up the opportunity, which brought me here and shoved me through the door. 

2 decades after moving out of my parent’s home, I now sit in my own den in my own home typing my thoughts on homeownership.  I’m amazed by the journey that has brought me here.  If someone had told me I’d buy my first home in Michigan of all places, I’d have never believed them.  Why on earth would I ever move to Michigan? 

Moreover, if someone had told me that my first home would be in a village with a population of less than 2000 people, never could I have fathomed that would be true.  I’m a big city guy married to a bigger city girl. 

You know that Depeche Mode song “Blasphemous Rumors”.  God truly does have a sense of humor.  But He also has a great plan, and His plan for me is to own a home in middle of now where Michigan, in a village that has fewer people than my high school.  I don’t know or understand why I’m here, or what God’s plan is for me here. 

What do I know?  I know I live in an amazing home, with beautiful land.  I know I paid less for it than a cheap condo would have cost me in Los Angeles.  I know that whatever God’s plan is, this is now home and it’s my home.  I know my children have a place that is theirs.  I know I could never have achieved my goal of homeownership, if I wasn’t willing to follow God to the most unlikely of places for me to go. 

I KNOW I’M HOME!

45 Days

8 hours

30 minutes

32 seconds

But who is counting?

Dr Seuss Land

It has been a long time since I’ve blogged.  Life just went crazy.  A year ago I was packing up to move for the first time in 8 years.  Upgrade to a rented house.  3 weeks to the day after we moved, I receive a phone call.  It is my plant manager, who just transferred to Michigan, asking me if I would follow him.  He needs my help. 

Keep in mind this side of America was suffering the worst winter it had seen in decades while sunny southern California was having one of the nicest winters I can recall.  Oh, and I HAD JUST MOVED AND SIGNED A 12 MONTH LEASE. 

So, I’ve been praying for the right opportunity to leave California for at least 7 years.  Every golden opportunity never seemed to pan out.  Therefore, I gave up.  I resolved to stay in Cali.  I am ready to settle down for a few more years to finish College and let my son finish High School and God lays this dream job right in my lap.  All I have to do is move to Michigan.  NO NO NO.  That was not what I prayed for.  Michigan?  Really? 

In the end, it was my father’s wisdom that helped me make the choice.  He simply explained that if I let this door close without stepping through it, there is no guarantee of when, if ever another door will open.  In other words, if you want to move up, take the opportunities afforded you no matter what. 

In June, I moved by myself to Kalamazoo, Mi.  As my wife said, you are moving me to a Dr Seuss book.  By the end of July, my family had followed.  It hasn’t been an easy transition.  Friends, family, church, comfort zone, all left behind. 

Last time I left California, I was young and single.  I’m finding it a much different adventure when you are married with three children.  I’ve always been a nomad so meeting people and starting over isn’t a big deal.  However, my wife and kids are not nomadic. 

I think the hardest thing has been finding a church home and missing friends.  Every day off becomes a challenge to figure out what one does in KZoo with a family of five. 

The winter, while mild by Michigan standards is brutally cold by California standards.  I’ve spent a small fortune clothing the five of us.  The other day I walked outside, it was 30 degrees and I thought, “This isn’t that bad”.  There is something very wrong with that picture.  30 DEGREES NOT THAT BAD. 

So we’ve become, not the nomadic family, but the hibernating family.  Looking forward to seeing what spring brings into our lives. 

On a brighter note for the first time ever I am seriously considering buying a home.  Growing up I always thought I’d be a homeowner.  I just didn’t think it would take me almost 40 years. 

That means we are going to be here a while.  Who would have thought I’d ever own a home in Michigan.  Certainly not me. 

Well, wish me luck, next week the house hunt begins. 

None Would Be Hired!

So Milestone 4 in my short list of truly significant events this year is quickly approaching.  And as I reflect on what brought about this milestone, I have a few thoughts (surprise.. surprise).

I’ve always know my self-esteem needs work.  I don’t wake up, look in the mirror and see a great man with great abilities.  I tend to see my failures.  But I’m blessed to know quite a few who see me in a much brighter light than I see myself.  It is in their eyes that I see a different me.  A better me.  Someone whom others turn to and count on. 

I will speak of these because I’m beginning to see a side of me that I usually deny exists.  It is because of them that my eyes are being opened and the veil of self-deprecation that usually shrouds my view of myself is slowly being torn. 

My Plant Manager of four years has relocated to Michigan.  He has spent the last 4 months bending heaven and earth to ensure that I follow him to Michigan.  I can’t say all he has done, but I know that the efforts required by him to ensure I follow him are far beyond anything I could have expected.  I would truly be a blind man if I didn’t recognized that he sees great potential in me and has much faith in my ability to positively impact the facility he is in charge of.  Oh, so in case you didn't guess, Milestone 4 is I'm moving to Michigan.

My past Manager who is also in the mid-West recently congratulated me on my new position stating that when she first came to the Michigan plant, one of her first thoughts was, “they need a Sean here”.  She is an amazingly talented manager and I’m honored to know she thinks me so capable and talented.  She is convinced that I am the man for the job.

My most self-revealing encounter as a result of my new job comes from my Engineering Manager of 6 years.  We are actively seeking to fill my position.  2 of 3 internal candidates bowed out leaving only one.  He insisted we have at least two candidates before making a decision for comparison.  I asked why he just doesn’t use me for comparison.  His answer was, “If you are the bar, none of the three would be hired.” 

These are all people whom I admire and have a deep respect for.  Their insight and opinions have helped me throughout the years.  So to have their insight directed towards me and my abilities and to hear their endless praise and confidence leaves me wondering what I’m not seeing when I look in the mirror. 

While I can’t answer that question, I do accept the image of me they reflect.  I move forward knowing that if they think I can, than I most likely can (no matter my personal self-image).  One positive I have learned about myself is that when I accept challenges I don’t think I’m capable of, I somehow find a way to succeed.  This new job is no exception.  I see where the bar is set and have no idea how I’m going to meet it, but my PM believes I can do it and so I shall move forward.  Can I actually do it?  Only time will tell, but if history can forecast, than yes, I will succeed. 

How?  I have no idea?  I’m thankful to have people who see in me the skills, and talent I rarely see in myself.  I’m grateful they challenge me to reach heights I could never see myself reaching with full confidence in my ability.  I pray God continues to place people in my life that will push me to greater heights than I could ever dream myself capable. 

Did you ever get to ride Colossus in reverse?

My back has been hurting a lot lately.  Usually that means I'm stressed out.  It has been a long six months.  God has sent one storm after another.  

Oh there he goes, using the "G" word again.  I know, I know, I shouldn't believe in that invisible guy in the sky malarky.  But I do, and this is my blog so ha.

I learned a lot in this time.  I learned the challenges of single parenthood.  I learned the depth of friendship (once again).  I learned time management (again) as I juggled school, work, home, ext.  

All of this I know has been God's plan for me.  God's providence, which is really what is on my mind.  See I believe every second of every minute of every day of my life God has predestined and foreordained.  I don't think a moment of my life is an accident, or simply the result of a choice I made.  NO, God is in control, and whatsoever comes to pass is His plan.  That means that the knots in my back and the stress I’m feeling are exactly what God wants for me right now.  Hmmm. Can't say I agree with Him... not my favorite state of being.

So, what are the stresses that have been consuming my life lately?  I guess I can take them one at a time.

Family members getting arrested (sadly more than one).  Patty and I devoted a great deal of time and energy into helping out.  It’s quite the emotional, physical and financial ordeal for a family.  At this point the storm has passed but the destruction left in its path was fierce and will take years to rebuild. 

School, oh that dreaded thing called an education.  I have this crazy notion that it’s worth something, so I’m spending my FREE TIME trying to get a degree.  The challenge being that I have to live the rest of my life as well.  Time is a finite thing, and it can never be recovered.  “Time is marching on… and time… is still marching on…”  But there is good news.  I should finish my last class for my Associates of Science in Technology with a focus on Electro~mechanics by mid April.  After that, I may have to celebrate, or at least have a good stiff drink.  I have this nice bottle of 21-year-old Scotch that might be right for the occasion. 

The Holidays.  Why do the holidays always seem stressful?  Thanksgiving is for thanking God, but it seems we always forget and instead just gorge ourselves.  Christmas is a celebration of the birth of our Lord, but we tend to forget him and focus on obligatory gift giving and this jolly old fat guy.  Maybe the holidays are stressful because, like everything else, we are trying to remove God from the picture.  Nevertheless, this years holidays were no exception to the stress rule.  

Boy Scouts!  I am very proud of my son and his friends.  They may be a lazy bunch of teenagers, but they are trying to press forward to Eagle Scout.  I’m not sure they are going to make it, but I applaud the effort.  Moreover, I am doing everything I can to support them, including being the Assistant Scout Master, with all of my free time.  I never made Eagle myself.  Lord willing they will succeed where I failed.  We’ve spent the better part of last month trying to raise money for this summers scout camp.  It’s been a mark of pride to see my son going out on his own to try to make this happen.  He’s still a lazy teenager though. 

Speaking of the lazy teenager, we are going through the adoption process.  Now truth be told, so far it has been an amazing smooth process for us.  An old friend of mine just happens to practice family law and she’s working pro~bono on our case.  I’ve had to pay filing fees, and court cost, but she hasn’t asked me for a dime.  I’m grateful God has blessed me with friends like this.  We had our day in court recently and I was nervous because the judge looked like a grumpy Judge Judy and had the attitude to boot.  She grilled our lawyer on the methods she had used to serve paperwork 3000 miles away as if we hadn’t given it our best effort.  I actually thought she was going to rule against us until she started asking my son questions.  He couldn’t answer a single question she asked about his birth father, because truthfully he doesn’t know and they never talk.  She ruled in our favor, eventually and we are now in a holding pattern while the court gives father of the year a chance to appeal.  “Time…  is marching on… and time… is still marching on”. 

Getting back to school, we homeschool and I’ve been teaching reading to my two younger kids.  However, with all the turmoil these past six months, it’s been hit and miss at best.  Not good.  Their education should be impacted because of my problems.  Right now it is.  “Time… is marching on… and time… is still marching on”.

And lets not forget about that teenager.  He’s determined that his God is technology and he’ll cling to it at all cost.  Not going to go into details, but his choices have made it clear what is most important to him.  So, we’ve been dealing with the rebellious teen which is always fun.  I love the kid, but I’d like to throw him through the wall sometimes.  How do you teach a teenager about priorities and responsibility? How do you ensure he gets it before he's no longer a teenager?  Someone recently told me a baseball bat wrapped in a towel leaves no bruises. hmmmm.  "Rule of thumb... can't do much damage with that.. maybe it should be a Rule of Wrist.." 

I can see your eyes bulging out of your head in disbelief.  Did he just say that?  No, I'm not going to assault my son with a baseball bat, nor will I throw him through a wall (it might hurt the wall), but a good tongue lashing might be in order.  You people are so serious.  Lighten up. 

This is getting long.  Well of course it is.  I told you I’ve been stressed out.  

The next layer of stress involved a termination of lease.  Now we were planning to move this year, but not yet.  We still had some financial issues to resolve first.  But alas, God pushed and we moved.. quickly.  14 days from notice to moving.  Rent almost doubled, had to buy a washer and dryer.  And of course as we are moving in, my good friend who is helping me looks at me and asks, “Sean, where are you planning on putting your fridge?”  Seemed an odd question.  Where do you think? Right there in the spot that is made for the fridge, that is way shorter than I realized… hmmm.  Uhh… hmmm..  uhh.. in the garage. 

Thus began the great fridge hunt of 2014.  The space for the fridge is exactly 67-1/4” tall.  Almost every fridge I found was at least 67-1/2” tall.  After visiting many stores and searching online for hours I finally found a fridge that was 66-3/4” tall.  But when I went to sears, their specs said 67-1/2” tall, as did Lowes and every other place I tried.  And of course NOBODY had this model on the floor. 

I call Maytag and they assure me the engineering specs of the fridge are 66-3/4” tall.  Don’t ask me why all the stores have a different spec than the manufacturer.  I DON’T KNOW. 

Sears says they can special order it with a lead-time of…  60 days.  Lowes… 30 days.  On a whim, we end up at Howards.  They offer the same fridge, cheaper and delivered in 10 business days.  That was 20 days ago.  I still don’t have a fridge and I’m still uncertain it will fit.  Why you ask?  Well the fridge was order, shipped and delivered as scheduled.  However, they damaged it in shipping, so they had to send it back and reorder it. 

Did I mention all these nice new appliances I had to buy on credit because I spent every dime I had moving?  On a brighter note our tax return came in, which helped.. a little.

Just as all the dust is settling from all of this, God throws another curveball.  Now I’m not going to divulge this particular curveball, because I’m still in the middle of it and the outcome is far from certain.  But it’s a doozy that I didn’t see coming. 

Stress… why am I stressed?  Because God thinks I’m a lot stronger and more resilient than I think I am.  The reason I’m not having a nervous break down is because I do believe in God’s providential control of everything.  I know this is His plan for me and He has a plan to get me through this.  I wish He’d let me in on the secret. 

It’s like riding Colossus backwards; you know there are going to be bumps and turns and drops and rises, but you can’t see them and they are quite jarring when they actually occur.  You also know that the path is defined and you will reach the end. 

Some would look at this and claim God has a wicked sense of humor, and I’ll admit the “Blasphemous Rumors” song has zipped through my brain on more than one occasion.  He certainly seems to be taking me the exact opposite of the direction I planned, which tends to be His way in my life.  “Best laid plans of mice and men.”  But it’s not a wicked sense of humor, but rather a passionate love.  He knows exactly what I need, when I need it and has determined how He will ensure I get it, whether I like it or not. 

He’s just dragging my stubborn Irish ass kicking and screaming all the way.  So praise God for the calamity that I call life, for the stress and the heartache and the chaos, that seems so beyond my control, all while remaining completely within His control. 

Ce la vie!