There are moments in life that have profound and lasting impacts on you. Moments which push you to seek the truth about yourself. Moments that God uses to speak to you. I think I’ve just been through one such moment.
As long as I can remember I’ve had a low self-esteem. And somehow, I always found someone or many someone’s to keep me moving forward in life. I have ridden the wave of the amazing people in my life for decades now. I have always had some inkling of this combined with the foundation that God gave me through my very rough youth.
September 28th one of those amazing persons, one of my oldest friends died. A member of what was known as ‘the tree people’ and the even closer group ‘the guys’. His death stemmed what would be a very long two plus weeks of laughter, tears, struggles, and love.
When I found out he died I immediately contacted his oldest brother (one of my best friends JB). After a few failed attempts to find my way back to LA to just be there for whoever may need me, his brother jumped in his car and began another crazy road trip to pick me up (we’ve been known to take crazy road trips for decades). He drove all evening and then I drove all night until both of us were back in California (the place where our lifelong friendship began).
Over the next two weeks I would be reminded of the amazing life I’ve been blessed with. A life I’ve often looked back on through a negative pane. I would be reminded of friendships (family) that even though it’s been a very long time apart (some decades) would forever be a foundational part of who I am. I would get to experience how much I love them. We would spend time travelling down memory lane in joy and sorrow. We would be reminded of times of struggle and sorrow that forged us together and other times of joy, and rampant carelessness that bonded us. Memories that would make us all ask, how the hell did any of us make it through, yet alone how did almost all of us become grounded in God, blessed with family and gifted with relative success in life.
I would get to see the youth grown up and their amazing lives and families that had developed while I was away.
And I would reconnect with friendships that had been damaged, and seemingly lost, that suddenly were not. Because you just don’t get to replace the people who became your rocks in life during your youth. And I would be amazed at how despite the long gap of time, it was just like yesterday.
The first week was what I will call support. Primarily spent with the family of the deceased, doing whatever was needed. The hardest day was spent with the new widow as we worked side by side to go through his things. Or maybe it was time spent watching his parents, who need care, talking with his little brother or oldest sister or even his sister-in-law. Spending time together trying to solve the mystery of ‘what now?’. Living in memories, but also living in the current moment of joy and pain. And being reminded of God’s providence in life and death.
The second week was the emotional week. Everywhere I turned there was someone from my past whom I knew. Someone who like me was grieving the sudden loss of a brother who passed ‘before his time’. I don’t actually believe anyone passes before their time. God’s will is God’s will and no one goes to Him outside of His will. My friend’s time was now. We just didn’t know it or expect it.
I heard some survivors guilt. I heard the ‘I should have…’ statements. I saw genuine pain, loss and sorrow. But in the midst of this I saw the bonds of love and friendship that I’ve taken for granted for so long. I saw the support of a ‘family’ that isn’t of blood, but of time, of joy, of longsuffering, of tears.
I also had the opportunity to visit my old church. Only for a brief window but enough to be embraced by a Christian fellowship I left behind. To be reminded of simple things like a letter of gratitude remembered or a gift given and never forgotten. The warm hug of a friend whose life changed me. To reconnect with the wife and children of another good friend who passed not too long ago. To see the lasting impact of the simplest acts of love and kindness. A pastor who continues to be a great friend and mentor. A Church that blessed me and even now continues to bless me. A model which I’ve tried to mimic in my current place, in my current church. A sharp reminder of God’s blessings in my life.
In this one brief two-week window God opened my eyes to all He has done for me in my life. Instilled in me a deep and unmeasurable gratitude for the many pieces of a life puzzle that I never could have imaged making sense together. Nor could have planned to assemble in my wildest dreams.
There was one sentiment that I think we all shared. Let’s not allow this renewed fire of life and appreciation for each other dwindle. Let’s not forget the blessing God has given us until the next passing of life. For we are without excuse. Words easy to say in the midst of the emotional highs and lows. Much harder to hold to when the emotional swell is gone, and life returns to the mundane or survival of our current existence. It’s a high bar to set. Family and friendship is work. It requires sacrifice and time commitments and intent. All things which seem hard to come by.
As I shared this with my wife, her first comment was, “Don’t forget about your family as well?” In many ways I have better bonds with family through friendship, than family through blood. See there are fences to mend there as well. But she is right. I simply can’t allow life to let me give up or not care just because we are thousands of miles apart. I can’t stop the work of reaching out in love regardless of the response.
God has gifted me with family both blood and otherwise. He has forged us as such. And no time or distance can change that. But time and distance can and has caused complacency and acceptance of a disconnect that family should never allow. For God has chosen these people to be my rocks. And he has likewise chosen me to be their rocks.
I’ve seen a few deaths in my lifetime. But this was the first death of one of ‘the guys’. This was a strike to the core group of men who have always been there for me. And even though I wasn’t close to Jules in the second half of his life, he was a foundational part to the friendship and family I was reminded of as we all gathered to remember him. I miss him not because we spent so much time together in these later years, but because some people simply are a part of you. As one of ‘the guys’ said, I never would have known any of you if it wasn’t for Jules. How different would all of our lives have been without each other?
This time, this place, these people…. How blessed am I; I simple can’t measure. God’s providence and foreordained plan for my life. Thank you God.
Psalms 139:16
“Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”
But God….
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