Yesterday my Father lost one of his oldest and best friends. My Dad is one for telling stories and almost all of them involve Gunther. In fact, if you know my Dad, you must know Gunther (even if you’ve never met him).
He seemed too young to die. Always lively. The quickest old Kraut I’ve ever known.
For a short period of my life Gunther lived with us. It was a rough time in my life. At a time when I often felt alone, he was there. His listened without judging. His advice never seemed condescending. He gave me confidence when it seemed the world was trying to take all confidence from me.
Yet he was a hard man. He seemed to always be smiling, but rarely feeling. His affection shown through in his “pain therapy”. It’s what he called wrestling. Only usually it was more like desperately trying to defend myself against a very skilled man. It’s strange to admit, but “pain therapy” is a fond memory of the time I spent with him.
I never saw him have an ill intention towards anyone. He was always trying to help, to lift you up. The man I knew was always trying to give what little he had.
He took a job not far from Dad’s house where he worked for many years. I made it a habit to swing by and visit him there. We would spend the time catching up and discussing life. In retrospect the conversations seemed to always lean towards my life or my parents. He never revealed anything about himself that wasn't directly related to Dad. Many afternoons were spent talking with Gunther.
I’m glad I was able to introduce him to my wife. He seemed to like her.
The last time I saw him was shortly before he moved out of California. I’d talk to him on rare occasions after that, but more often we would IM or talk on Facebook. I always planned on seeing him again, but it seems life had different plans.
Gunther will be missed by many. He never had much of a family of his own, but he lived through the families of his two best friends. He seemed to bless all those he touched. He was blessed himself to find his own family whom he got to spend a few short years with.
I’m thankful that many moons ago a little Kraut (Gunther) stood up to a bully (my Dad) and began a lifelong friendship.
I can’t begin to understand what Klaus and my Dad feel at the loss of their lifelong friend. But if how I’m feeling is any indication, there is a hole inside of them that may never be filled again.
Gunther will live on in our memories and in the ongoing stories of my Dad who can tell Gunther stories like no other.
I will miss you sir. I thank God for making you a part of my life and my family.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Survival Training... it's easier than most people think.
Survival. As a single guy I never much worried about survival. I rolled with the punches and lived the nomadic life never much caring where I ended up. I remember sleeping in my car on more than one occasion, waking up through the night to run the engine long enough to bring some heat back to my bones.
When I was young I was a boy scout. I had a great leader who taught me some really great skills. The problem is I grew up and never used any of them.
For the last 8 years I've been wrapped up in Urban Survival trying to keep my head above water, a roof over my families head and food on our table. In doing so I have further removed myself from the knowledge I once possessed.
Now I'm actively engaged in a "Survival" course hosted by the same great boy scout leader. It's a much different experience this time round as I am re-learning with the knowledge of how bad it can get. My wife is going through this journey with me as we both learn basic skills needed to survive when the benefits of modern day are gone.
Now this may come from the collapse of our fragile economy or some natural disaster, or simple our car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. But, the goal is to "Be Prepared". You never know when the worst will come.
As we've gone through this course I've been vividly reminded of how unprepared we are. Good practices which I've known, I haven't followed in years.
I hope I never have to use anything I'm re-learning, but I'm glad I'm taking the time to do so.
Survival goals:
- Learn more about the plants of the wilderness
- Spend time camping with the family to practice and learn basic techniques: Starting Fires, building shelters, gathering food, fishing, ect
- Put together and keep at the ready a basic survival kit
- Practice wood widling and net making and trap making so they become second nature
- Ensure my family is trained to survive with or without me
- keep a ready supply of h2o.. you can never have too much water
- take up and practice the art of repelling.. to overcome my fears and to have the know how to use it when needed
- buy a gun (many guns actually) and retrain myself in their safe and effective use. I plan to waste as much ammo as I can afford.
I'm sure this list will grow and be more detailed. this is just the kick-off list. Some may call me paranoid, but just last year my friends brother went missing in Yosemite and was never heard from again. The SHTF scenario can happen at anytime to anyone just about anywhere. Best to be as prepared as you can. Not to mention, this stuff is fun. So if you can have fun while preparing for the worst, why not.
When I was young I was a boy scout. I had a great leader who taught me some really great skills. The problem is I grew up and never used any of them.
For the last 8 years I've been wrapped up in Urban Survival trying to keep my head above water, a roof over my families head and food on our table. In doing so I have further removed myself from the knowledge I once possessed.
Now I'm actively engaged in a "Survival" course hosted by the same great boy scout leader. It's a much different experience this time round as I am re-learning with the knowledge of how bad it can get. My wife is going through this journey with me as we both learn basic skills needed to survive when the benefits of modern day are gone.
Now this may come from the collapse of our fragile economy or some natural disaster, or simple our car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. But, the goal is to "Be Prepared". You never know when the worst will come.
As we've gone through this course I've been vividly reminded of how unprepared we are. Good practices which I've known, I haven't followed in years.
I hope I never have to use anything I'm re-learning, but I'm glad I'm taking the time to do so.
Survival goals:
- Learn more about the plants of the wilderness
- Spend time camping with the family to practice and learn basic techniques: Starting Fires, building shelters, gathering food, fishing, ect
- Put together and keep at the ready a basic survival kit
- Practice wood widling and net making and trap making so they become second nature
- Ensure my family is trained to survive with or without me
- keep a ready supply of h2o.. you can never have too much water
- take up and practice the art of repelling.. to overcome my fears and to have the know how to use it when needed
- buy a gun (many guns actually) and retrain myself in their safe and effective use. I plan to waste as much ammo as I can afford.
I'm sure this list will grow and be more detailed. this is just the kick-off list. Some may call me paranoid, but just last year my friends brother went missing in Yosemite and was never heard from again. The SHTF scenario can happen at anytime to anyone just about anywhere. Best to be as prepared as you can. Not to mention, this stuff is fun. So if you can have fun while preparing for the worst, why not.
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
God Providence... who would have thought I'd be happy to be stuck in LA for a while longer
Tonight I feel like writing and since I don’t know what I plan to write about, I’ll just wing it.
Life has been busy. My oldest turned 12 and is developing all the bad habits of a pre-teen. My middle child just turned 5 and my little lady will be 4 soon. Winy, overly sensitive and openly rebellious: Gotta love my brood.
For the last 2 years I’ve been actively seeking to “Escape From LA”. Every seemingly good door has been soundly closed. The path out seemed so clear when I started. But it wasn’t to be.
But God has used me for much in that time. I’ve been able to help friends and family in much need of various kinds of support. Everything from planning a funeral to marital counseling; How I fell into these rolls, I can’t say, but God knew I would be needed and ensured I would be here to help. He then placed me in positions I couldn’t have expected to be needed in.
A few more amazing paths God has placed in front of me.
I’ve been given every opportunity one could want from his job. For the next 2-3 years I will be heading up a major restructuring. The real world training this will give me you can’t get from any college. I have the backing and support of not only my Manager, our Plant Manager, and various corporate managers. I am being guided and mentored by some of the brightest and most experienced minds in my corporation.
Of course this means I’m stuck in LA for a few more years. But the opportunities and blessings that are literally falling into my lap are immeasurable.
This year the burden of debt will be lifted as we finally pay off the last of our debt. For the first time in our marriage we will be financially stable with a rapidly growing savings account and not debt looming over our heads. Total financial freedom.
My former Scout master is back in my life and leading me and my wife through basic survival training. At the same time we are leaning towards enrolling our oldest in the Scouts under the tutelage of the same Scout master.
My wife is developing good Godly friendships with the locals. And I continue to be drawn in to various responsibilities in church and among friends.
In short it seems that God wants me right here for a while. Wish I knew why, but I guess I just have to trust that God’s plan is perfect.
I’ll get out of LA eventually, but apparently not yet. At least the weather is nice here.
Life has been busy. My oldest turned 12 and is developing all the bad habits of a pre-teen. My middle child just turned 5 and my little lady will be 4 soon. Winy, overly sensitive and openly rebellious: Gotta love my brood.
For the last 2 years I’ve been actively seeking to “Escape From LA”. Every seemingly good door has been soundly closed. The path out seemed so clear when I started. But it wasn’t to be.
But God has used me for much in that time. I’ve been able to help friends and family in much need of various kinds of support. Everything from planning a funeral to marital counseling; How I fell into these rolls, I can’t say, but God knew I would be needed and ensured I would be here to help. He then placed me in positions I couldn’t have expected to be needed in.
A few more amazing paths God has placed in front of me.
I’ve been given every opportunity one could want from his job. For the next 2-3 years I will be heading up a major restructuring. The real world training this will give me you can’t get from any college. I have the backing and support of not only my Manager, our Plant Manager, and various corporate managers. I am being guided and mentored by some of the brightest and most experienced minds in my corporation.
Of course this means I’m stuck in LA for a few more years. But the opportunities and blessings that are literally falling into my lap are immeasurable.
This year the burden of debt will be lifted as we finally pay off the last of our debt. For the first time in our marriage we will be financially stable with a rapidly growing savings account and not debt looming over our heads. Total financial freedom.
My former Scout master is back in my life and leading me and my wife through basic survival training. At the same time we are leaning towards enrolling our oldest in the Scouts under the tutelage of the same Scout master.
My wife is developing good Godly friendships with the locals. And I continue to be drawn in to various responsibilities in church and among friends.
In short it seems that God wants me right here for a while. Wish I knew why, but I guess I just have to trust that God’s plan is perfect.
I’ll get out of LA eventually, but apparently not yet. At least the weather is nice here.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Richard Call Low one last time caused me to reflect on life and knowledge
This week the death of a mentor reminded me of how short life is. His name to me was always Mr Low. To his wife he was Richard. To his children he was Dad. His death had me thinking about knowledge. What we know, how we know it. Mr Low was committed to knowledge. As his daughter put it, “Mountain climbers when asked why they climb mountains, often say ‘because it is there ‘. My father’s mountain was knowledge”.
The Bible says “The beginning of all wisdom is the fear of God”. It also says “The wisdom of God is foolishness to men”. When I sit and look at my own life, my own search for knowledge and wisdom, the list of sources of my knowledge are vast. Everything from, personal experience to history. This is my personal summary of where my knowledge comes from.
For the first 16 years of life my knowledge was almost entirely personal experience. Public school never taught me much. Just provided me a place to be other than home. But being the second youngest in a family of 7 kids led to many life experiences before I may have been ready for them. Through watching my siblings, my parents (all four of them) and my grandparents I was able to learn much about life. I call my childhood the Soap Opera. It was. But all this knowledge was in a vacuum, because even though I was raised Mormon, and sometimes Catholic, Christian, Jewish and Pagan, I really only knew God and God’s wisdom through the eyes of other men. I had yet to truly learn directly from God.
I was 14 or 15 when my sister bought me a series called “The book of Swords, by Fred Saberhagen”. This was the beginning of my journey to self-education. Reading quickly became a passion of mine. And when I have time it still is.
I was 16 when I first started to study the Scriptures on my own. I was passionate in my studies of God for the next four years. I grew to believe wholeheartedly in the Mormon faith. Mr Low was my sounding board. He dedicated countless hours of his life to me and the wisdom he shared and guidance he gave me continue with me to this day. Not only did I learn to think Scripturally, I learned service as I watched him care for his wife, who had suffered a stroke and was completely dependent on him. I think only now at his death do I realize the impact he had on my life.
If nothing else I gained a healthy fear of God in this time. In Mormonism the expectation is that a young man will go on a 2 year mission at the age of 19 or 20. I was determined to be prepared for this. About the time I was ready to serve my mission I was struck with doubt of the truth of Mormonism. Even with the aid of Mr Low I was unable to resolve my doubt. I could not in good conscience serve a mission preaching a ‘truth’ that I myself was not convinced of.
On a whim I ended up in the Navy instead. I was to experience learning on a whole new level. As a Navy Nuc I was submitted to a grueling 2 year training program which tested my knowledge, patience, endurance and ability to absorb vast quantities of highly technical information in a very short period of time. As someone who always has suffered self-esteem issues, this was a truly character building time.
I also learned loneliness, suffered separation anxiety, learned to survive on my own because no one else was there to support me. I thought I had learned independence as a teen, but I really learned independence and self-reliance in the Navy. Not to say I was completely alone. You develop life-long relationships in the military as you are forced to rely on people you barely know. But in the end when it comes to success in the military you stand alone. I guess it would better be stated, I was forced to survive without those I had relied on for so long in the past and thus had to learn new ways to survive with new people.
It was at this time that my fear of God continued to grow as I continued to be engulfed in Scripture trying to remove the doubt that was in me.
I’ve found that nothing is more refining than God’s Word. The knowledge I have gained about me by reading the Bible is immeasurable. Its philosophy, psychology and history all wrapped up in one. It cuts to your heart and opens your mind to see things about you that you didn’t know exist. This for me has been and continues to be my greatest source of knowledge. Its wisdom wraps you up until your whole life is viewed through God’s Word.
Mr Low was one of my sounding boards as a teenager. Like any teen, my friends were my sounding boards as well. God’s Word has been my sounding board as an adult. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is. Politics, religion, psychology, marriage, relationships, work ethic, and so on and so forth; all of it is subject to God. I’ve also been blessed with Godly friends.
It was in the military that I started to develop my political views as well. I saw military force with no war. I saw bureaucratic waste of our resources. I saw cronyism, rules for the sake of rules, unjust discipline, blind obedience. I saw our military attacked (The Cole) and our homeland attacked (9/11). I saw the decisions that were made by our leaders as a result. I know that people are dead because I did my job. It was a very confusing time in the military. You wanted to support what you were a part of and know that you were doing right, but I don’t think I was ever convinced of this.
My political views really began to change with the discovery of Lewrockwell.com. A libertarian news / article website. They say ignorance is bliss, and this was the end of my bliss. I learned about just war, and economics. I studied the founding fathers, federalist anti-federalist arguments, American History. I read books by the men we say our country was founded by. I learned as much as I could about their thinking and reasoning.
Christianity and God’s Word seemed to be in the center of it all. Contrary to the popular “Separation of Church and State” mantra, it is impossible to separate church from state without rejecting God and God’s Moral Law all together. Church was never meant to be removed from State decisions. State was removed from Church decisions.
Moving on with my tale of personal knowledge, 2-3 years of studying the Bible praying to have the doubt removed so I could return to Mormonism, instead I was lead to reject Mormonism as God’s True Church. Scripture just didn’t conform to what the LDS had taught me my whole life. There is a whole world of Mormons (Mr Low included) who disagree with me. But for me, I had to choose between what God’s Word said and the religion I was raised in and God won.
It was at this time that I was to learn about the many Christian denominations. I knew nothing of Christian History, or the many Christian Churches. I started trying to attend different churches. The bulk of my church experience being LDS it was quite the culture shock. The biggest shock of all was how much non-sense is preached from ‘Christian’ pulpits. I learned how gullible humans can be. The things I saw done in the name of God were appalling. I felt like I was watching sheep being led to the slaughter as I watched “Christians Engulfed with the Spirit” doing all sorts of truly strange things.
The power of belief, the power of the human mind to have a physical effect, the power of humans was being revealed to me.
When I finally joined a church a year later it was because the Pastor though young, always tried to preach from Scripture, even if it was in rather unconventional ways. I joined Bible Study groups, with Vince (the pastor), and spent the next three years studying with him and various other Christians. I found myself leading Bible Studies even though I was the youngest person in the room. I found people looking to me as wise. And I was truly wise in my own eyes.
I left the Navy feeling I had a good handle on Politics, Religion and Life. I was introduced to a Christianity I had never seen that taught me otherwise. Reformed Christianity I had never heard of. Calvin, Armenis, Luther, St Augustine, Edwards, Knox, theonomics, Eschatology, Epistemology, and whole bunch of other –ologies left me wondering what bus I had missed.
However, for the first time in my life I sat in a church and wasn’t challenging the Pastor’s “Biblical” stance. The dedication to Biblical truth and accuracy I found was a breath of fresh air to someone who had spent many moons looking for truth in Religion.
Since leaving the Navy I have continued my pursuit of knowledge in Scripture and in Politics. In Politics and Economics I’ve found mainstream information to be jaded and misleading. I’ve found the Republicans whom I had been raised to believe in to be no better than their Democratic counterparts. I’ve learned to questions the official histories and to seek alternate sources to find the truth in the stories of the past.
Even Scientific Theories must be questioned. Recently one of Einstein’s Theories was proven false. Our quest for truth and knowledge must be never ending. We must be willing to look beyond the mainstream paths of knowledge and learn to teach ourselves and seek truth in the unconventional places.
In Religion I have found Biblical Christianity, led by those with the same passion for truth as myself. I still question everything, but am pleased to find truth and gospel preached.
I think the most important lesson I learned from Mr Low and from life is that “the Beginning of ALL wisdom is the fear of God”. And all of our knowledge must be measured against the measuring stick of God’s Word.
And as the saying goes, “The More I learn, the Less I Know”.
Lord willing I can continue to apply that principle to my life and teach it to my children and my grandchildren. By God’s Grace I pray that when my life ends, my family and friends will look upon my life, in the same way the family of Richard Call Low looked upon his life. A man of God whose dedication to his faith and to the truth had a lasting impact on his children, and his children’s children. A man who touched the world with service and wisdom.
The Bible says “The beginning of all wisdom is the fear of God”. It also says “The wisdom of God is foolishness to men”. When I sit and look at my own life, my own search for knowledge and wisdom, the list of sources of my knowledge are vast. Everything from, personal experience to history. This is my personal summary of where my knowledge comes from.
For the first 16 years of life my knowledge was almost entirely personal experience. Public school never taught me much. Just provided me a place to be other than home. But being the second youngest in a family of 7 kids led to many life experiences before I may have been ready for them. Through watching my siblings, my parents (all four of them) and my grandparents I was able to learn much about life. I call my childhood the Soap Opera. It was. But all this knowledge was in a vacuum, because even though I was raised Mormon, and sometimes Catholic, Christian, Jewish and Pagan, I really only knew God and God’s wisdom through the eyes of other men. I had yet to truly learn directly from God.
I was 14 or 15 when my sister bought me a series called “The book of Swords, by Fred Saberhagen”. This was the beginning of my journey to self-education. Reading quickly became a passion of mine. And when I have time it still is.
I was 16 when I first started to study the Scriptures on my own. I was passionate in my studies of God for the next four years. I grew to believe wholeheartedly in the Mormon faith. Mr Low was my sounding board. He dedicated countless hours of his life to me and the wisdom he shared and guidance he gave me continue with me to this day. Not only did I learn to think Scripturally, I learned service as I watched him care for his wife, who had suffered a stroke and was completely dependent on him. I think only now at his death do I realize the impact he had on my life.
If nothing else I gained a healthy fear of God in this time. In Mormonism the expectation is that a young man will go on a 2 year mission at the age of 19 or 20. I was determined to be prepared for this. About the time I was ready to serve my mission I was struck with doubt of the truth of Mormonism. Even with the aid of Mr Low I was unable to resolve my doubt. I could not in good conscience serve a mission preaching a ‘truth’ that I myself was not convinced of.
On a whim I ended up in the Navy instead. I was to experience learning on a whole new level. As a Navy Nuc I was submitted to a grueling 2 year training program which tested my knowledge, patience, endurance and ability to absorb vast quantities of highly technical information in a very short period of time. As someone who always has suffered self-esteem issues, this was a truly character building time.
I also learned loneliness, suffered separation anxiety, learned to survive on my own because no one else was there to support me. I thought I had learned independence as a teen, but I really learned independence and self-reliance in the Navy. Not to say I was completely alone. You develop life-long relationships in the military as you are forced to rely on people you barely know. But in the end when it comes to success in the military you stand alone. I guess it would better be stated, I was forced to survive without those I had relied on for so long in the past and thus had to learn new ways to survive with new people.
It was at this time that my fear of God continued to grow as I continued to be engulfed in Scripture trying to remove the doubt that was in me.
I’ve found that nothing is more refining than God’s Word. The knowledge I have gained about me by reading the Bible is immeasurable. Its philosophy, psychology and history all wrapped up in one. It cuts to your heart and opens your mind to see things about you that you didn’t know exist. This for me has been and continues to be my greatest source of knowledge. Its wisdom wraps you up until your whole life is viewed through God’s Word.
Mr Low was one of my sounding boards as a teenager. Like any teen, my friends were my sounding boards as well. God’s Word has been my sounding board as an adult. It doesn’t matter what the subject matter is. Politics, religion, psychology, marriage, relationships, work ethic, and so on and so forth; all of it is subject to God. I’ve also been blessed with Godly friends.
It was in the military that I started to develop my political views as well. I saw military force with no war. I saw bureaucratic waste of our resources. I saw cronyism, rules for the sake of rules, unjust discipline, blind obedience. I saw our military attacked (The Cole) and our homeland attacked (9/11). I saw the decisions that were made by our leaders as a result. I know that people are dead because I did my job. It was a very confusing time in the military. You wanted to support what you were a part of and know that you were doing right, but I don’t think I was ever convinced of this.
My political views really began to change with the discovery of Lewrockwell.com. A libertarian news / article website. They say ignorance is bliss, and this was the end of my bliss. I learned about just war, and economics. I studied the founding fathers, federalist anti-federalist arguments, American History. I read books by the men we say our country was founded by. I learned as much as I could about their thinking and reasoning.
Christianity and God’s Word seemed to be in the center of it all. Contrary to the popular “Separation of Church and State” mantra, it is impossible to separate church from state without rejecting God and God’s Moral Law all together. Church was never meant to be removed from State decisions. State was removed from Church decisions.
Moving on with my tale of personal knowledge, 2-3 years of studying the Bible praying to have the doubt removed so I could return to Mormonism, instead I was lead to reject Mormonism as God’s True Church. Scripture just didn’t conform to what the LDS had taught me my whole life. There is a whole world of Mormons (Mr Low included) who disagree with me. But for me, I had to choose between what God’s Word said and the religion I was raised in and God won.
It was at this time that I was to learn about the many Christian denominations. I knew nothing of Christian History, or the many Christian Churches. I started trying to attend different churches. The bulk of my church experience being LDS it was quite the culture shock. The biggest shock of all was how much non-sense is preached from ‘Christian’ pulpits. I learned how gullible humans can be. The things I saw done in the name of God were appalling. I felt like I was watching sheep being led to the slaughter as I watched “Christians Engulfed with the Spirit” doing all sorts of truly strange things.
The power of belief, the power of the human mind to have a physical effect, the power of humans was being revealed to me.
When I finally joined a church a year later it was because the Pastor though young, always tried to preach from Scripture, even if it was in rather unconventional ways. I joined Bible Study groups, with Vince (the pastor), and spent the next three years studying with him and various other Christians. I found myself leading Bible Studies even though I was the youngest person in the room. I found people looking to me as wise. And I was truly wise in my own eyes.
I left the Navy feeling I had a good handle on Politics, Religion and Life. I was introduced to a Christianity I had never seen that taught me otherwise. Reformed Christianity I had never heard of. Calvin, Armenis, Luther, St Augustine, Edwards, Knox, theonomics, Eschatology, Epistemology, and whole bunch of other –ologies left me wondering what bus I had missed.
However, for the first time in my life I sat in a church and wasn’t challenging the Pastor’s “Biblical” stance. The dedication to Biblical truth and accuracy I found was a breath of fresh air to someone who had spent many moons looking for truth in Religion.
Since leaving the Navy I have continued my pursuit of knowledge in Scripture and in Politics. In Politics and Economics I’ve found mainstream information to be jaded and misleading. I’ve found the Republicans whom I had been raised to believe in to be no better than their Democratic counterparts. I’ve learned to questions the official histories and to seek alternate sources to find the truth in the stories of the past.
Even Scientific Theories must be questioned. Recently one of Einstein’s Theories was proven false. Our quest for truth and knowledge must be never ending. We must be willing to look beyond the mainstream paths of knowledge and learn to teach ourselves and seek truth in the unconventional places.
In Religion I have found Biblical Christianity, led by those with the same passion for truth as myself. I still question everything, but am pleased to find truth and gospel preached.
I think the most important lesson I learned from Mr Low and from life is that “the Beginning of ALL wisdom is the fear of God”. And all of our knowledge must be measured against the measuring stick of God’s Word.
And as the saying goes, “The More I learn, the Less I Know”.
Lord willing I can continue to apply that principle to my life and teach it to my children and my grandchildren. By God’s Grace I pray that when my life ends, my family and friends will look upon my life, in the same way the family of Richard Call Low looked upon his life. A man of God whose dedication to his faith and to the truth had a lasting impact on his children, and his children’s children. A man who touched the world with service and wisdom.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Writing... writing... it' s been so long.. just writing...
Something there is that doesn’t love a wall
That sends the frozen ground swell under it
And spills the upper boulders in the sun
And I took the one less travelled, and that has made all the difference
And it pleased the Lord to bruise him!
Writing is my long forgotten passion. I think it was the Navy that gave me the passion. I guess when you are stuck on a ship for countless days you find ways to engage your mind.
Recently I’ve touched in conversations Politics, Religion, Finance, Debt, Marriage, Work, Unions; All great things to converse about. But I have been noticing that I am waning in my knowledge of much of the things I used to love to be knowledgeable about. I have all but given up sports. I barely have time to read about my own faith these days, yet alone the faith of others. Finance and debt while important, can be dull. Marriage, hmmm.. that always seems to be the egg shell topic. I often feel so out of touch with current events. It becomes hard to hold conversation. Mentally I’m still in the 90’s or at best the early 2000’s. Cars, oh cars, but who has the time or the money or the tools to indulge. My poor baby still sits parked collecting dust and rust.
Why have I abandoned my many passions? I guess I can sum it up on one word. Family! I am often amazed at how much being husband and a father takes out of me. I love my family. But I can honestly say I have never been so weary. I have become a slave to my job which I must do to support the before mentioned family. I think I enjoy my work, at least some times, but it just seems to never end. It’s like bailing water out of a holey ship. No matter how good you think you are doing, you are still sinking.
Alas I know I will be a slave to work the rest of my days, because my family needs me to be. And so, while I accept the responsibility I have taken on, I do find myself missing the freedom of being wreck less.
Wreck less? You Sean? Oh yes. I long for the opportunity to jump out of a perfectly good airplane; to travel down the interstate at 100+mph in a train of like minded drivers passing cars like they are sitting still; jump in a car and drive with no destination in mind and no care if you get nowhere; go swimming in the ocean at 2am slightly buzzed but just enjoying the crashing of the waves; swim out passed the buoy so the lifeguards can swim out after you to tell you how ‘dangerous’ it is to be so ‘far’ from shore; jump of an 80 foot bridge and wonder what you were thinking as you plummet towards the water and it knocks the wind out of you as you slam into it leaving you breathless 30 feet deep; the challenge of a rip current dragging you to sea as the waves slam you to the sand and relentlessly hold you down on the ocean floor; staying up all night in an airport talking to a stranger you just met because both of you have an early AM flight and don’t feel like sleeping; Tearing apart your car for fun not knowing if you can put it back together; Walk through the streets in the pouring rain oblivious to the cold wet cloths on your back cuz your having too much fun just playing in the rain; ooo football in the rain, sliding tackles, muddy cloths, hoping you don’t break any bones; a mosh pit with thousands of screaming madman pushing and shoving, crowd surfing knowing that the only thing keeping you from crashing into the concrete below are the hands of strangers;
The point is, for a good portion of my life I did what I wanted, when I wanted. And while I would not give up my wife and kids for anything, I do miss the adventure of the unknown. I miss the thrill of life with limited boundaries. Marriage builds great walls. Walls of responsibility; People who depend on you for their life, food, cloths, roof, ect. People who would suffer should you break a bone, lose a job or die. People you love and care for.
I think it’s the inactivity that really does me. I used to swim hours a day. Bike at least 10 miles a day. Walk everywhere. Play basketball, volley ball, kayaking, football, rollerblading, tennis, weightlifting, sparring, ect. It’s the wake up before sunrise and get home just before the sun sets, and not have time to enjoy the day that just grates on me.
Yesterday we spent the day at the park with friends. Water fights, Frisbee, kites, bikes, good food and watching the kids be kids. It was a good day. I think that is really what I need. I still haven’t figured out how to convert my desire to do ‘stuff’ into a family activity. It’s so easy when you are single. You just do it. But for some reason when you have to find something for 5 people to do it suddenly seems like an impossible task.
I’m slowly but surely getting better at it, but it just isn’t natural for me. I really have to work at it. I never came up with activities before. I just always ended up involved. But you can’t just show up on your friends’ door with a family of five (a single guy can get away with that). Getting out the door is a major event, yet alone actually doing something.
I guess yesterday has revived my restlessness. I have to figure this out. The great unknown awaits. We must find a way to explore it without breaking the bank.
Music, that my other lost love. No radio in my jeep, and no radio at work. Listening to the radio at home is an event, though not a relaxing one. I need my Metallica, U2, White Zombie, Jim Crow, Doors, Janis Joplin, Pink Floyd, 80’s rock, and all things not post 1995. Again, I just need to acquire the tools to make music a part of my life again.
Back to yesterday, it has been so long since I’ve been extremely active that today has been miserable. It seems yesterday I had a full body work out. Today I had a one of those coughing fits you get when you forget which tube the food goes down and my sides hurt so bad with ever cough as the muscles screamed at me in agony. My arms hurt, my legs hurt, my a@# hurts. It is a good pain, but pain nonetheless. Makes me want to go out and do it again.
So now that I’ve rambled on about nothing and wasted a precious ten minutes of your life you will never get back again, I will be off to bed..
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
College Bound........... Again......... I think.......
I've been thinking about going to college for 23 years now. At first I was too young and just looking to the future. Then I couldn't afford it. Then I just wasn't motivated. Than I could afford it but was busy doing other things. Then I was busy doing other things and couldn't afford it. Now I am busy doing many things and might be able to afford it.
I am also currently motivated. Why you may ask?
First, I am running out of time to have taxpayers like myself compensate me for volunteering six years of my life to the Department of Offense (I mean defense) by paying my tuition cost. Also known as the GI Bill. Yes, I know it's forced relocation of money by the gov't. But the way I see it, I'm just getting my taxes back. I think I've given Uncle Sam enough money in taxes, social security benefits, FICA and other taxes. Not to mention DMV fees, Sales tax, parking tickets, speeding tickets, and countless other ways the gov't has ripped me off over my lifetime. It's time I get my money back.
Second, I am discovering in my middle age that progression beyond my current level of the corporate ladder is rather difficult without a degree. Not impossible, but certainly not a walk in the park. My Father successfully climbed the corporate ladder without a degree. But he is one of the few if not the only one that I know of who has succeeded on the non-degree route. I have achieved a relatively high level for my education, age and work experience. But stepping up beyond where I am is proving quite the challenge. And since I have no intention of being a Maintenance Planner the rest of my life, it's time to move forward.
So, I am looking for the key that opens many doors. It's amazing that our society puts such value on a piece of paper, but they do, and since I have and continue to gain work experience, I think it about time I get to working on the other side of the coin.
Lastly, I intend to follow the footsteps of an elderly man who works with me. He has been a floor worker for 30+ years. He bikes 15 miles to and from work daily. He manually loads aluminum day in and day out. He is always enrolled in one class. He says he doesn't ever intend to not be learning something new. I think that is a sound policy for anyone.
So wish me luck as I once again, hopefully successfully this time, venture back into the world of collegiate education. And for anyone else considering college, it would serve you well to read this article by Dr Gary North.
www.LowestCostColleges.com
It could save you a bundle of dough and much time. Because truth be told, I work in the corporate world, and rarely does anyone research the college you get your degree from. And if they do, as long as it is ABEC accredited (for you maintenance / engineering folk) or accredited by one of the six Regional accreditation agencies, it doesn't matter what school you get your degree from.
Test Prayer
Now I lay me down to study
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty
If I fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk
But if I do don't pity me at all
Just lay my bones down in the study hall
Tell my teacher I did my best
Then pile my books upon my chest
Now I lay me down to rest
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test
If I die before I wake
That's one lest test I'll have to take
Sufferin' Student
A Navy Captain once plagiarized this poem from me for a graduation speech.
I am also currently motivated. Why you may ask?
First, I am running out of time to have taxpayers like myself compensate me for volunteering six years of my life to the Department of Offense (I mean defense) by paying my tuition cost. Also known as the GI Bill. Yes, I know it's forced relocation of money by the gov't. But the way I see it, I'm just getting my taxes back. I think I've given Uncle Sam enough money in taxes, social security benefits, FICA and other taxes. Not to mention DMV fees, Sales tax, parking tickets, speeding tickets, and countless other ways the gov't has ripped me off over my lifetime. It's time I get my money back.
Second, I am discovering in my middle age that progression beyond my current level of the corporate ladder is rather difficult without a degree. Not impossible, but certainly not a walk in the park. My Father successfully climbed the corporate ladder without a degree. But he is one of the few if not the only one that I know of who has succeeded on the non-degree route. I have achieved a relatively high level for my education, age and work experience. But stepping up beyond where I am is proving quite the challenge. And since I have no intention of being a Maintenance Planner the rest of my life, it's time to move forward.
So, I am looking for the key that opens many doors. It's amazing that our society puts such value on a piece of paper, but they do, and since I have and continue to gain work experience, I think it about time I get to working on the other side of the coin.
Lastly, I intend to follow the footsteps of an elderly man who works with me. He has been a floor worker for 30+ years. He bikes 15 miles to and from work daily. He manually loads aluminum day in and day out. He is always enrolled in one class. He says he doesn't ever intend to not be learning something new. I think that is a sound policy for anyone.
So wish me luck as I once again, hopefully successfully this time, venture back into the world of collegiate education. And for anyone else considering college, it would serve you well to read this article by Dr Gary North.
www.LowestCostColleges.com
It could save you a bundle of dough and much time. Because truth be told, I work in the corporate world, and rarely does anyone research the college you get your degree from. And if they do, as long as it is ABEC accredited (for you maintenance / engineering folk) or accredited by one of the six Regional accreditation agencies, it doesn't matter what school you get your degree from.
Test Prayer
Now I lay me down to study
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty
If I fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk
But if I do don't pity me at all
Just lay my bones down in the study hall
Tell my teacher I did my best
Then pile my books upon my chest
Now I lay me down to rest
And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test
If I die before I wake
That's one lest test I'll have to take
Sufferin' Student
A Navy Captain once plagiarized this poem from me for a graduation speech.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
What is your Ultimate Authority?
Today I was visited by two Mormon missionaries. I rarely turn away a good theological debate. I debated a Muslim for over a year once (and lost). It was sad to listen to these two young men spouting the rhetoric that has been spoon fed them by the Mormon church. They get to present the arguments of other men, to complete strangers. They pay to spend two years of their life away from home for a faith they don't really know or understand. They think they are doing "God's will for them". I don't have have anything against being a missionary, but sending naive young men to spread the propaganda of a doctrine they barely are beginning to grasp is wrong.
If you see the guys on the bikes wearing dark pants and white dress shirts with ties, wish them well, cuz they are far from home.
I have been asked many times why I left the LDS church. I've come up with many answers over the years, but none of them quite got it right. But the answer is really quite simple.
Everyone has an ultimate authority. It's our starting place. Our presupposition (yeah, I know, big word). It is the place you eventually regress to. So why did I leave Mormonism? Because I have a presupposition that the Bible is the Holy and infallible Word of God. The LDS presupposition is that the LDS Prophet is the ultimate authority on earth. He trumps Scripture. My Ultimate Authority is the God of the Bible. And since a man can only have one master (or one truth), I left the church of my youth.
So the question is, what is your starting place? Your presupposition? Your ultimate authority? I don't need an answer. That question is for anyone who happens upon my banter to ask themselves.
If you see the guys on the bikes wearing dark pants and white dress shirts with ties, wish them well, cuz they are far from home.
I have been asked many times why I left the LDS church. I've come up with many answers over the years, but none of them quite got it right. But the answer is really quite simple.
Everyone has an ultimate authority. It's our starting place. Our presupposition (yeah, I know, big word). It is the place you eventually regress to. So why did I leave Mormonism? Because I have a presupposition that the Bible is the Holy and infallible Word of God. The LDS presupposition is that the LDS Prophet is the ultimate authority on earth. He trumps Scripture. My Ultimate Authority is the God of the Bible. And since a man can only have one master (or one truth), I left the church of my youth.
So the question is, what is your starting place? Your presupposition? Your ultimate authority? I don't need an answer. That question is for anyone who happens upon my banter to ask themselves.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Nothing in Particular at all
The blogging world evades me. I've really just been very busy. What used to be my release (blogging) has become work. Facebook is so much quicker and easier. Yet not nearly as satisfying as a good blog. Unless you want to write a "NOTE" you are limited. So I have tried to be faithful to blogging at least once a month. Last month I use the excuse I was in NYC.
What follows are rants of various topics as they come into my head. Just venting. Don't mind me.
This year has been long. I am looking forward to it's end. The new year will hopefully bring a new job in a new place. Looking hard in Virginia. Hoping to get out of the corporate world of manufacturing. I think I've learned that corporations are all about keeping the board happy, and rarely about taking care of people. Like all political spectrum's, corporations care about the bottom line first. I'm tired of seeing hard working folks being treated like worthless pawns. The tendency to throw those making the right decisions under the bus while those who brown nose while making the wrong decisions continue to thrive and climb the corporate ladder. Quite frankly it's disheartening.
I'm am currently trying hard to get into one of two careers. One as a consultant who after some intense training would be instructing people how to better themselves and be more efficient. The other as a job recruiter helping find work for the unemployed. Both jobs would give me relative freedom to work at my own pace, my own way, on my own schedule. I am also passively sending out my resume to various potential opportunities as they arise.
I turned 34 recently. I was in NYC at the time and took POB (my wife) to see a Broadway play. It didn't really hit me though until today when I was trying to remember how old I was and had to calculate it. I never had this problem when I was in my 20's. But being married with kids, my actual age seems much less relevant than it did when I was young and single. My perspective has shifted from a self-centered, whimsical, what about today mentality to a guardian and protector. Someone who is constantly focused on the future, and the potential threats to the well being of his family. I can say I have become more cynical in the last few years.
I often joke with POB that we have become conspiracy theorist. I used to make fun of conspiracy theorist. But the more I learn, the more I become what I held in contempt. People like Alex Jones don't seem so crazy to me anymore. It's the Matrix, the Red pill or the Blue pill. Ignorance is truly Bliss.
However my quest for understanding of our world, of politics, of economics, of history, of freedom, and many other things which currently escape me, has left me spending much less time with God. Less time praying, reading scripture, leading home studies with my family. I have taken advantage of the blessing that God has given me by ignoring the one who has given all to me. I have tried to get back on the wagon many times in the past year, but I keep falling off.
It's as if my life has become confining and all I want to do is escape. But I don't turn to God, no, I turn to myself and my plans for the future. Maybe that is why LA feels like a cage and my apartment is no longer a place of rest. "I will figure it out. I always do." I'm so arrogant sometimes. No comments from the peanut gallery.
Part of the problem is my family has grown but our living quarters haven't. The little ones are quickly becoming not so little. They need space. They need to explore and learn of the outside world. They are full of of pent up energy and times of peace are few and far between, but quite the treasure. They are strong willed, stubborn, disobedient little brats. I used to think my stubbornness was a result of surviving my upbringing. Lately I have come to believe it is genetic. My kids have it, especially COB.
So what of the elections? Americans are in an uproar, the Tea Party came up with a vengeance, Rand Paul actually made it into the Senate. The net result will be a stalemate. House and Senate are clearly opposed. And the Obamanator will use the all mighty power of veto anyway. Alas we will be left at a stand still till the next election. Which might not be bad for the economy. A congress in gridlock can do little harm.
I don't think it matters. Our country is already destroyed. It cannot recover from the economic hole which it is still digging deeper. I used to think, what if the whole thing just fell apart like Rome. I figured it wouldn't happen in my lifetime. Yet today, I don't see how it can not happen in my lifetime. We are a sinking ship. I just hope I end up on a good life raft.
The lack of skill in America astounds me. I'm reading the biography of Buffalo Bill written by his sister. At age 8 he was hunting, and scouting and leading his family. By age 12 he was moving cattle. His father, a great orator, was also a skilled farmer, hunter, and builder. His father built for his family by hand the largest home at the time in that part of Kansas. As I continue to read I think of my own grandfather who also was a man of many talents. Or my grandmother who was a talented seamstress (good with anything that involved cloth, or yarn or string), a gardenerPuerto Rico.
So much knowledge is lost to my generation. So much more will be lost to this generation. It's ironic that in a world where the Internet can provide you with info on just about anything almost instantly, that we are all so ignorant. I long to learn the skills of old. Woodworking, metalworking, farming, hunting, foraging, camping, gun smithing, ect. I long to have the skill to uproot my family with the knowledge that wherever we go, we will thrive.
But my public education has left me with a narrow skill set. I'm highly intelligent, yet trapped. Trapped by ignorance born of a mind-numbing lack of real education. And the worst part is I know it, but don't know what to do about it.
Fatherhood and responsibility keep my grounded when I want to return to my Nomadic ways and see what new adventure and knowledge life can afford me. Sacrifice the wants of the hear and now in hopes that my children will be the better for it.
My children. If you know me, you know I homeschool. I am often challenged by stranger and love ones about my choice. Yet as I learn more and more about gov't schooling and see how year after year it changes for the worse, I can't but feel blessed that I can spare them from that unGodly institution called Public School. This year we started Latin and Logic. Of course there is much grumbling, but it is wonderful to see understanding come to a young man.
While we were in New York I was looking through the selection of Public High Schools that NYC has to offer. There were only two categories. Schools with a graduation rate greater than 85% and schools with a graduation rate of less than 50%. No middle ground. What I found most interesting is that almost every one of the upper level schools required Latin.
Well, I've babbled enough about who knows what. Maybe I should re-read this before I post it so I at least know what I'm putting out to my ever shrinking audience.
What follows are rants of various topics as they come into my head. Just venting. Don't mind me.
This year has been long. I am looking forward to it's end. The new year will hopefully bring a new job in a new place. Looking hard in Virginia. Hoping to get out of the corporate world of manufacturing. I think I've learned that corporations are all about keeping the board happy, and rarely about taking care of people. Like all political spectrum's, corporations care about the bottom line first. I'm tired of seeing hard working folks being treated like worthless pawns. The tendency to throw those making the right decisions under the bus while those who brown nose while making the wrong decisions continue to thrive and climb the corporate ladder. Quite frankly it's disheartening.
I'm am currently trying hard to get into one of two careers. One as a consultant who after some intense training would be instructing people how to better themselves and be more efficient. The other as a job recruiter helping find work for the unemployed. Both jobs would give me relative freedom to work at my own pace, my own way, on my own schedule. I am also passively sending out my resume to various potential opportunities as they arise.
I turned 34 recently. I was in NYC at the time and took POB (my wife) to see a Broadway play. It didn't really hit me though until today when I was trying to remember how old I was and had to calculate it. I never had this problem when I was in my 20's. But being married with kids, my actual age seems much less relevant than it did when I was young and single. My perspective has shifted from a self-centered, whimsical, what about today mentality to a guardian and protector. Someone who is constantly focused on the future, and the potential threats to the well being of his family. I can say I have become more cynical in the last few years.
I often joke with POB that we have become conspiracy theorist. I used to make fun of conspiracy theorist. But the more I learn, the more I become what I held in contempt. People like Alex Jones don't seem so crazy to me anymore. It's the Matrix, the Red pill or the Blue pill. Ignorance is truly Bliss.
However my quest for understanding of our world, of politics, of economics, of history, of freedom, and many other things which currently escape me, has left me spending much less time with God. Less time praying, reading scripture, leading home studies with my family. I have taken advantage of the blessing that God has given me by ignoring the one who has given all to me. I have tried to get back on the wagon many times in the past year, but I keep falling off.
It's as if my life has become confining and all I want to do is escape. But I don't turn to God, no, I turn to myself and my plans for the future. Maybe that is why LA feels like a cage and my apartment is no longer a place of rest. "I will figure it out. I always do." I'm so arrogant sometimes. No comments from the peanut gallery.
Part of the problem is my family has grown but our living quarters haven't. The little ones are quickly becoming not so little. They need space. They need to explore and learn of the outside world. They are full of of pent up energy and times of peace are few and far between, but quite the treasure. They are strong willed, stubborn, disobedient little brats. I used to think my stubbornness was a result of surviving my upbringing. Lately I have come to believe it is genetic. My kids have it, especially COB.
So what of the elections? Americans are in an uproar, the Tea Party came up with a vengeance, Rand Paul actually made it into the Senate. The net result will be a stalemate. House and Senate are clearly opposed. And the Obamanator will use the all mighty power of veto anyway. Alas we will be left at a stand still till the next election. Which might not be bad for the economy. A congress in gridlock can do little harm.
I don't think it matters. Our country is already destroyed. It cannot recover from the economic hole which it is still digging deeper. I used to think, what if the whole thing just fell apart like Rome. I figured it wouldn't happen in my lifetime. Yet today, I don't see how it can not happen in my lifetime. We are a sinking ship. I just hope I end up on a good life raft.
The lack of skill in America astounds me. I'm reading the biography of Buffalo Bill written by his sister. At age 8 he was hunting, and scouting and leading his family. By age 12 he was moving cattle. His father, a great orator, was also a skilled farmer, hunter, and builder. His father built for his family by hand the largest home at the time in that part of Kansas. As I continue to read I think of my own grandfather who also was a man of many talents. Or my grandmother who was a talented seamstress (good with anything that involved cloth, or yarn or string), a gardenerPuerto Rico.
So much knowledge is lost to my generation. So much more will be lost to this generation. It's ironic that in a world where the Internet can provide you with info on just about anything almost instantly, that we are all so ignorant. I long to learn the skills of old. Woodworking, metalworking, farming, hunting, foraging, camping, gun smithing, ect. I long to have the skill to uproot my family with the knowledge that wherever we go, we will thrive.
But my public education has left me with a narrow skill set. I'm highly intelligent, yet trapped. Trapped by ignorance born of a mind-numbing lack of real education. And the worst part is I know it, but don't know what to do about it.
Fatherhood and responsibility keep my grounded when I want to return to my Nomadic ways and see what new adventure and knowledge life can afford me. Sacrifice the wants of the hear and now in hopes that my children will be the better for it.
My children. If you know me, you know I homeschool. I am often challenged by stranger and love ones about my choice. Yet as I learn more and more about gov't schooling and see how year after year it changes for the worse, I can't but feel blessed that I can spare them from that unGodly institution called Public School. This year we started Latin and Logic. Of course there is much grumbling, but it is wonderful to see understanding come to a young man.
While we were in New York I was looking through the selection of Public High Schools that NYC has to offer. There were only two categories. Schools with a graduation rate greater than 85% and schools with a graduation rate of less than 50%. No middle ground. What I found most interesting is that almost every one of the upper level schools required Latin.
Well, I've babbled enough about who knows what. Maybe I should re-read this before I post it so I at least know what I'm putting out to my ever shrinking audience.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Time ~ you ain't no friend of mine
Lately it seems that I have no time. For instance when I started this Blog I could spend hours writing and bantering. But now it seems it is a struggle to even post something once a month. When I was a teenager I rode a bike 10 miles a day, swam 2 to 6 hours a day, and went to school. Still had time to hang out with friends, play board games (Axis and Allies anyone), and countless other very time consuming things.
In the Navy it was a chore to find ways to pass the time. Long drives in the countryside, nights at Cozzy's comedy club, drinking with the boys and girls, movies, mountain biking, computer games, Bible studies, more driving, visiting everyone and anyone I could think, reading books for hours of and so on and so forth. Yet I still managed not to fill all the time available to me.
Then I got married and had children. Now it seems time is a priceless commodity I can't get enough of. I no longer have countless hours to spare, but every moment of the day seems taken up by jobs and tasks. It's seems you don't know what you have till it's gone. Not that I would give up the blessings God has given me. I would just like time to sit and read a book, go for a drive, enjoy and quiet day of mindless TV watching or get engrossed in a pointless video game.
Or spend a few days tearing apart my car just to put it back together. Maybe a nice spontaneous road trip to anywhere.
Alas, I haven't the time. When my kids grow up I'm sure I'll be begging for the days when I had no time. But for no, I'm looking forward to a brief weekend in Vegas, just me and my wife and a vacation to NYC. It's all I have time for.
In the Navy it was a chore to find ways to pass the time. Long drives in the countryside, nights at Cozzy's comedy club, drinking with the boys and girls, movies, mountain biking, computer games, Bible studies, more driving, visiting everyone and anyone I could think, reading books for hours of and so on and so forth. Yet I still managed not to fill all the time available to me.
Then I got married and had children. Now it seems time is a priceless commodity I can't get enough of. I no longer have countless hours to spare, but every moment of the day seems taken up by jobs and tasks. It's seems you don't know what you have till it's gone. Not that I would give up the blessings God has given me. I would just like time to sit and read a book, go for a drive, enjoy and quiet day of mindless TV watching or get engrossed in a pointless video game.
Or spend a few days tearing apart my car just to put it back together. Maybe a nice spontaneous road trip to anywhere.
Alas, I haven't the time. When my kids grow up I'm sure I'll be begging for the days when I had no time. But for no, I'm looking forward to a brief weekend in Vegas, just me and my wife and a vacation to NYC. It's all I have time for.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Life is Short!
My oldest sister died August 8th at the age of 42. She left behind a husband and four children. Death came to her via he Cancer.
I’m told she gave a profession of faith in Christ before she died. Lord, I hope that is true. Her Memorial was Friday. I took the task of planning and organizing the event. Her husband just wasn’t up to the task. All through the planning I was a task driven man. I’m a Maintenance Planner. Planning comes natural. So I kept myself engrossed in the task at hand. Everyone kept asking me how I was. And the truth of the matter I was fine. A little sad, but I was ok.
I had the dubious honor of picking up my sisters ashes. It marks the second time in recent years the ashes of a relative ended up under my roof. I bought a nice wooden box because those white boxes they give you are just tacky.
Friday was frantic. The slideshow and program didn’t get finished until minutes before the ceremony.
Sitting at the memorial service listening to the Pastor talk about the role of death in life, looking at the slideshow that I had put together (with some help), and just having the time to reflect on why I was sitting there, on why I had dedicated myself to planning this event, it all finally hit me. My palms starting sweating, my face grew heavy. For two weeks I had been doing all I could to be supportive to my family and suddenly here I was just lost in emotion.
I could hear her daughter and son mourning.
The end of the ceremony was for family. I took the lead. I hadn’t had time to prepare anything so I just started talking. 30 seconds in I was barely able to stand. Grief for the first time seized hold of me and all I could do was cry.
That evening most of the family and a long time family friend ended up at my place. The friend was a bartender and the drinks were flowing. It really was a good time. But I had to ask the question, “ Why does it take the death of a loved one for us to get together?”
We live life oblivious to how fragile it is. We thrive on living on the edge of death. High risk sports are the rave. Living on the Edge. We assume our relatives will be there forever. We assume our siblings will grow old with us. We don’t think we’ll get to watch our Daughters or Sons die. We put off God till tomorrow. We put off our loved ones because we are busy living our lives. We hold our tongues because we don’t want to offend. We ignore all the uncomfortable moments because it’s so much easier not to step outside of our comfort zone. Why rock the boat? There will always be tomorrow. Right?
But the truth is any moment could be our last moment. God could choose to take any one of us at any time. We don’t know God’s plan for us. As the saying goes “the only certainties in life are Death and Taxes”. And Death is usually looked upon as the end. But it’s not the end. Death is the beginning. It is the beginning of our eternal life. And that life will take one of two forms; Glory and praise with God in Heaven; facing the wrath of God for all eternity.
As I watched cancer eat my sister alive, as I could smell the dead cancer and see the pain from which there was no escape, I couldn’t help but think of my own mortality. And it occurred to me, as horrible as it is to watch someone you love die of cancer, this moment of suffering is nothing compared to the eternal wrath of God. And I heard “Nobody deserves to die like that”. Really? How do we ‘deserve’ to die?
We ‘deserve’ the eternal wrath of God. However we die, it is far from what we deserve for rebelling against God. What we deserve is far worse than anything man can imagine.
Lord willing my sisters profession of faith was genuine and even though she lived a sin filled life (if you knew her you knew she had her fair share of evil deeds), she is now at peace. She is enjoying the eternal rest that only God can provide. By Grace we are Saved, through Faith, Faith which is also a gift from God, lest we boast, in Jesus Christ who was given by the Father as a perfect and Holy Sacrifice, the perfect becoming Sin for us, all to the Glory of God Alone.
If we chose to love God it is because he first chose us and loved us while we were still slaves to sin and haters of God. Everything I’ve learned in my short life about God has new meaning. I know I have much to learn, but I am much more aware of how Great God’s gift of Grace is. And even in this I know my understanding is far removed from the reality of the Greatness of God which is far beyond anyone’s understanding.
Yesterday was a hard day, but it is a day the Lord has made.
“Before I was born, you planned each day for me” ~ King David.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with Grace through Faith in Christ. I am grateful that with that Grace he has blessed me with Wisdom and Knowledge. I know as painful as this has been, that it is part of God’s good and Holy plan. There is peace in knowing that God is in control and that my sisters death wasn’t just an accident, but that she died because God decided it was her time to come home.
“O death, where is your sting” ~ Psalmist… Though it certainly has stung me, I know it is only because I am still among the living and I know it’s because as I continue in my short time here on earth it will be without the presence of my sister.
To everyone who volunteered and helped me in this time of grief, I thank you and hopefully will get to thank you in person. To my family, I pray that God will bless you all with his Grace and Love.
I’m told she gave a profession of faith in Christ before she died. Lord, I hope that is true. Her Memorial was Friday. I took the task of planning and organizing the event. Her husband just wasn’t up to the task. All through the planning I was a task driven man. I’m a Maintenance Planner. Planning comes natural. So I kept myself engrossed in the task at hand. Everyone kept asking me how I was. And the truth of the matter I was fine. A little sad, but I was ok.
I had the dubious honor of picking up my sisters ashes. It marks the second time in recent years the ashes of a relative ended up under my roof. I bought a nice wooden box because those white boxes they give you are just tacky.
Friday was frantic. The slideshow and program didn’t get finished until minutes before the ceremony.
Sitting at the memorial service listening to the Pastor talk about the role of death in life, looking at the slideshow that I had put together (with some help), and just having the time to reflect on why I was sitting there, on why I had dedicated myself to planning this event, it all finally hit me. My palms starting sweating, my face grew heavy. For two weeks I had been doing all I could to be supportive to my family and suddenly here I was just lost in emotion.
I could hear her daughter and son mourning.
The end of the ceremony was for family. I took the lead. I hadn’t had time to prepare anything so I just started talking. 30 seconds in I was barely able to stand. Grief for the first time seized hold of me and all I could do was cry.
That evening most of the family and a long time family friend ended up at my place. The friend was a bartender and the drinks were flowing. It really was a good time. But I had to ask the question, “ Why does it take the death of a loved one for us to get together?”
We live life oblivious to how fragile it is. We thrive on living on the edge of death. High risk sports are the rave. Living on the Edge. We assume our relatives will be there forever. We assume our siblings will grow old with us. We don’t think we’ll get to watch our Daughters or Sons die. We put off God till tomorrow. We put off our loved ones because we are busy living our lives. We hold our tongues because we don’t want to offend. We ignore all the uncomfortable moments because it’s so much easier not to step outside of our comfort zone. Why rock the boat? There will always be tomorrow. Right?
But the truth is any moment could be our last moment. God could choose to take any one of us at any time. We don’t know God’s plan for us. As the saying goes “the only certainties in life are Death and Taxes”. And Death is usually looked upon as the end. But it’s not the end. Death is the beginning. It is the beginning of our eternal life. And that life will take one of two forms; Glory and praise with God in Heaven; facing the wrath of God for all eternity.
As I watched cancer eat my sister alive, as I could smell the dead cancer and see the pain from which there was no escape, I couldn’t help but think of my own mortality. And it occurred to me, as horrible as it is to watch someone you love die of cancer, this moment of suffering is nothing compared to the eternal wrath of God. And I heard “Nobody deserves to die like that”. Really? How do we ‘deserve’ to die?
We ‘deserve’ the eternal wrath of God. However we die, it is far from what we deserve for rebelling against God. What we deserve is far worse than anything man can imagine.
Lord willing my sisters profession of faith was genuine and even though she lived a sin filled life (if you knew her you knew she had her fair share of evil deeds), she is now at peace. She is enjoying the eternal rest that only God can provide. By Grace we are Saved, through Faith, Faith which is also a gift from God, lest we boast, in Jesus Christ who was given by the Father as a perfect and Holy Sacrifice, the perfect becoming Sin for us, all to the Glory of God Alone.
If we chose to love God it is because he first chose us and loved us while we were still slaves to sin and haters of God. Everything I’ve learned in my short life about God has new meaning. I know I have much to learn, but I am much more aware of how Great God’s gift of Grace is. And even in this I know my understanding is far removed from the reality of the Greatness of God which is far beyond anyone’s understanding.
Yesterday was a hard day, but it is a day the Lord has made.
“Before I was born, you planned each day for me” ~ King David.
I am grateful that God has blessed me with Grace through Faith in Christ. I am grateful that with that Grace he has blessed me with Wisdom and Knowledge. I know as painful as this has been, that it is part of God’s good and Holy plan. There is peace in knowing that God is in control and that my sisters death wasn’t just an accident, but that she died because God decided it was her time to come home.
“O death, where is your sting” ~ Psalmist… Though it certainly has stung me, I know it is only because I am still among the living and I know it’s because as I continue in my short time here on earth it will be without the presence of my sister.
To everyone who volunteered and helped me in this time of grief, I thank you and hopefully will get to thank you in person. To my family, I pray that God will bless you all with his Grace and Love.
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